Wednesday, 4 December 2013

The Powerviolence prison workout / diet

It's getting closer to Christmas and you know what that means; a bloated and gluttonous Christmas dinner that will ensure you're a gargantuan by the New Year. I've spent much time considering ways to combat this festive affliction and there are only two options available. You can exercise regularly, eat healthily and live a booze-free lifestyle.

But you don't want to do that, do you? You scumbag.

The second option, one I've just brought to the table, is the Powerviolence prison work out. It is the only sure fire way to burn those carbs and put the beat down on the expanding waistline that you would most certainly find by January. By combining the filth and depravity of Powerviolence with the sweaty campaign you're about to embark on, you will find results. I have absolutely no fitness knowledge, so you're just going to have to put your trust in a man who absolutely cannot be trusted under any circumstances ever. You want some serious shit? I'm about to lay down some serious shit right now.

Cardio/Lower body

Listen to this album on full blast while walking 4-5mph on a manual treadmill on some kind of incline (I think 4-5%). Do not stop or rest until you have finished the entire album. Repeat this cycle daily until you can run the entire album. When you have reached this point, you are one step closer to becoming He-Man. Have a cigarette afterwards to ensure that you can hardly breath by the next set.

If you're a Powerviolence fan, you're also probably a fairly financially stable Arts student with little direction. That's a good thing, that's what leads us to the next cardiovascular exercise. You usually leave your apartment about twenty minutes before your two o'clock "Ancient Lithuanian poetry" class. Nuh-uh, you're going to leave five minutes before your class. Though it probably won't matter all too much if you're late to this class or not, you should aim to be there on time. Run as fast as you can from your doorstep to the lecture hall. Just to note; make sure you do not sit next to that lil' blonde with the glasses when you arrive. There's nothing quite as bad as trying to appear suave while falling asleep in a pool of your own sweat.

Upper body

You need to be able to do at least 100 push-ups in this session. Start off with five sets of twenty reps with a 30 second break in between each set. Your 30 second break should be spent punching your bedroom wall or swigging from last night's half-empty can of Dutch Gold. Slowly build up from that until you are capable of 110 push ups. The album will probably have ended by your third set, but that's okay, just hit repeat over and over again until you begin to hate your arms, your chest and ACxDC.

Begin with 50 sit-ups, slowly working your way each day to 100, because for some reason; 100 of something seems to be the ultimate goal number for everything.

You're really angry, what better way to take out your suburban, white boy rage than by punching your neighbour's nice stone pillar with the cherub statue? Keep punching it until your knuckles bleed and mother is looming over you with the box of Scooby-Doo plasters.

You, too, can one day look as good as "Sick" Nick Mondo.

Five day diet plan

As they say, fitness begins in the kitchen. Except not for you. Here is a five-day plan for some Powerviolence-friendly dishes that will be sure to give you the energy you need to continue your vigorous training.

Day one

1 bowl of Fruit & Fibre w/water instead of milk
A can of Dutch Gold.
A fag.
A tin of sweetcorn.
A fag.
Instant noodles.
Half a can of Dutch Gold.

Day two

1 healthy snack bar or whatever looks like it might be healthy because the label tells you it is
The other half of last night's Dutch Gold mixed with water.
A fag.
A tin of kidney beans.
A fag.
Microwave Chicken Korma.
A can of Dutch Gold.

Day three

The rest of last night's Chicken Korma.
The fag you didn't finish the night before.
A tin of spiced tuna.
A fag.
The tears of 1st year exam students.
A can of Dutch Gold.
A can of Dutch Gold.

Day four

Inner turmoil.
Can of Dutch Gold.

Day five

Instant noodles.
A can of Dutch Gold.
A fag.
The fucking floor at a gig.
The change you pick up at said gig.
An orange.


Be sure to consult your local physician before undertaking any exercise or diet plan.

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