Wednesday, 23 November 2016

You Is The Good People, Them Is The Bad People. You Won't Believe Why.

Look at all this good people right here.

Why is the bad people always the bad peoples tho?

Why can't they be more like the good peoples?

The bad people needs to have more comprehensive self-awareness.

Not the good peoples tho, good peoples self-aware plenty already.

If the good peopol and the bads pepple alll had a big fight, the good people would win because
the bad peoplee shouldn't even be here. This is good people times now.

It's like they say in that new popular song, "Ging-gag Gooley", 'when the bad peoples come runnin/ the good peoples do good people good peoples/ Ging-gag gooley, ging-gag-gooley woo!'.

All the bad things is the bad peoples fault. Recent studies show that, in fact, 100% of bad ting comes from the bad peoples.


Good thing you're not a bad peoples tho. Phew! Good job!

Remember, next time a bad pople try to tell you that you aren't even a good peopl, make sure you give'em a big ol' bicycle kick.

And always remember, that bad people is the bad people, but you will always be that good people. good job, good people. bad bad people, bad self-awareness. self-awareness. self-awareness bad. wow.


Good thing you're not a bad peoples tho. Phew! Good job!

And isn't that  always the way?

Read again tomorrow to find out who is bads and 100 Reasons You're A Goods Person.

Thursday, 29 September 2016

An Essential List Of Crimes To Commit While The Guards Are On Strike

We've nurtured a strange relationship with the Gardai. Sometimes we sympathize with the high-risk and low-paying job they do every single day, tackling knife-wielding psychopaths to the ground to secure the same living wage as someone who's in charge of keeping the office printer stocked. But most of the time we deplore them for robbing hash and protecting greedy rich people from angry poor people.

The Gardai are finally going on strike to protest their woeful salary. There will be no guards on every Friday in the month of November. Nothing of this implication has happened since a collective Gardai sick day known as the "Blue Flu" in 1998.

Ireland is about to experience the kind of disorientation and subsequent self-examination that comes when the previously unattainable suddenly becomes attainable. What if there are no guards?

The biggest question you may have to ask yourself is, where will you be when the guards disappear? Will you lock yourself in until Saturday morning, quaking in the corner of your room and strangling the hilt of a kitchen knife. Or will you go among the animals, reveling in the lawless moonlight?

If you identify with the latter, but are too stupid to think of any good criminality to engage in, I've went and done you up a list.

1. Dress up as a guard and sexually bother every single bin in your town.

2. Eat a spice bag off the prescription counter of a chemists. 

3. Ride your bicycle on the N11 and squirt a bottle of toilet duck at the cars stuck in traffic.

4. Slap a stone idol of Marty Morrissey's forehead with the sole of your shoe.

5. Write a self-help book titled "How to Make Your Dreams Come True" that contains only the words
"True Aryan Black Metal" on each page. Sell it for €5 from your car window.

6. Drive one of those mad bin trains on the right-hand side of the road. Be sure that you've rode each bin before you put the pedal down.

7. Obtain paints and canvases and charge people for 10 minute portraits of themselves. Paint every person to look just a little bit like post-orgasm Vladimir Lenin.

8. Publicly and violently flagellate any local musician who has performed the song "Wagon Wheel" at the pub. Let tattered flesh caution their ilk. 

9. Disperse a Youth Defence rally while dressed as a completely fictitious child-eating goblin from Germanic folklore. 

10. Hop Bono's fence, knock on his door, and explain to him in great detail how he will never again have the fortitude of character to write music as good as he did for the Batman Forever soundtrack.

11. Apprehend that overconfident bully 12-year-old that lives on your street and put him inside a wicker man. 

12. Speak ill of the Church of Scientology. 

13. Collect all of the golden rings.

14. Employ one of the thousand forms of Nyarlathotep in a horrifying blood-offering to his father Azathoth.

15. See how many lemongrass scented incense sticks you can fit inside your arse. Remember, there are no guards to stop you.

16. Create the conditions for a Lord of the Flies type scenario on the island of Inishmore.

17. Forcibly occupy Primark until they bring back flared jeans for men. None of this "it's kinda flared" arse jargon. I mean FLARED. Like a large cat could fit through the leg of it.

18. Find the off-duty guards and drink bottles upon bottles of Benylin Drowsy with them.

19. Slap the absolute skin off the chap that slagged your "side fringe" at the Porterhouse in Bray. It's called an 'asymmetrical bob cut', you horrible, thoughtless savage.

20. Start a new wave band called Le Petite Mort and record at least one monster single that propels you to the mainstream and into the hearts of the public. Use your newfound fame and influence to groom your fandom into an army hell-bent on shitting all over Rónán Mullen's car.

Monday, 26 September 2016

Live Review: Lindsey Stirling @ Electric Picnic '16

I couldn't afford to license an image from EP.

I went to go see the triumphant Mormon empress.

She danced and played lots of good songs.

You are so beautiful, please stand on me.

I'm not even Mormon, but I could be because I like The Osmonds.

There were some technical difficulties at one point, but she soldiered through them.

Purify me in your Mormon water.

Good gig.

The new album is good.


Tuesday, 10 May 2016

Take The TMINI Personality Test.

So it looks like you don’t know who you are yet. That’s wonderful, none of us do. Finding out who you are can be a scary journey that might unearth a whole universe of self-disgust and rage, but it needn’t be so traumatic, you silly moo. We at TMINI believe that abusing solvents is a fantastic way of hiding yourself from yourself, but if you’re more the adventurous type, then why not take our super cool personality test? We can put you in touch with the you that you didn’t know was you. Isn’t that so cool?

You’re about to answer a series of option questions, so be sure to keep a pencil or pen on your person so you can keep track of your answers! We can’t do it all for you, right? AHAHAHAHA.


1. Would you consider yourself a nervous person?
A) No way, José! Where's the party at?
B) I'd prefer not to answer.
C) 'Some labels are better left in the closet'
D) Only when I spot the Jack Tar with me spyglass! Yargh!

2. Would you consider yourself creative?
A) If by 'creative' you mean 'windsurfing', then yeah, sometimes!
B) I am not required to divulge my talents or tastes with you.
C) 'It wasn't logic, it was love.'
D) I'll get woeful creative when yer kissing the gunner's daughter, ye bilge rat!

3. What kind of role do you take in team project scenarios? 
A) I'm the Il Duce of getting spookay.
B) I prefer to work alone. Don't touch my smartphone.
C) 'Maybe you're only alloted a certain amount of tears per man; and I've used mine up.'
D) I swab the deck handsomely or else I meet the keel barnacles. Yargh.

4. What is a conger eel, even?
A) No idea, but I wanna party with it!
B) A variety of predatory eel found in most regional seas. Don't touch my smartphone.
C) 'Was Miranda right? Were we enemies? Is there a secret cold war between marrieds and singles?'
D) Aghast! Give no quarter to that slithering sea devil, lads!

5. A rainy day with a book or a sunny stroll on the beach?
A) You've never rain beached before?
B) Either is fine. Do not touch my smartphone.
C) 'Here. Swear. Swear on Chanel.'
D) I leave the sand red with Navy guts!

6. What kind of music do you feel best describes you as a person?
A) Machine Gun Kelly and Kid Rock on a party bus!
B) I don't listen to music often. The opening jingle to Euronews. Don't touch my smartphone.
C) 'Oh, THAT guy.'
D) "The Coasts of High Barbary", a fine shanty!

7. What will become of me?
A) Stop harshing me out.
B) ...
C) 'One woman's Titanic is another woman's Love Boat.'
D) I'll see ye have the price for the ferryman, bucko.

8. Why does B) always let people buy him pints but never buys them one back?
A) Cardinal sin, dude. Cardinal sin.
B) I never asked you to buy me one. I never entered into a deal. Don't touch my laptop case.
C) 'Big wasn't a crush. He was a crash'
D) That landlubber never had a sip o' true grog.

9. What's your ideal job?
A) Hacky Sack Doctor.
B) I work in risk and compliance at a bank.
C) 'She'll juggle, she'll spin plates, but she won't give head.'
D) To captain The Busty Hornswaggle.

10. What do you think of this, wise guy?

A) Braaaain draaaaain, oh wow.
B) I'm finished.
C) 'Two hours and four chardonnays later, I was sleeping with the enemy.'
D) Shiver me timbers! That landlubber's crown is bewitched!







If you answered mostly A) YOU ARE FURIOUS FRED/FURIOUS FRAN!

You're so gnarly it makes people sick. If you were a colour, you'd be periwinkle. Everybody wants to party with you, but not everyone can hang with you. You dig?





If you answered mostly B) YOU ARE A MISERABLE PEDOPHILE!

Whoa! God really fucked up when he made you, friend! Your intense materialism and entitlement issues are only the tip of your massive child-obsessed iceberg. You're the kind of guy that won't give your seat to a pregnant woman.





If you answered mostly C) YOU ARE CARRIE BRADSHAW!

Uh-oh, here comes Carrie, getting all "Carrie'd away" again! Driven by raw emotions and a never-ending quest for dick, you can either be the life of the party or the total bummer, it all depends on how you're feeling on the day.





If you answered mostly D) YOU ARE HAVING A SEIZURE!

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!