Monday, 23 December 2013

Ridiculously indefensible album artwork #1 (NSFW)

Art is something that should always be taken with a grain of salt. Despite how violent, graphic and disgusting a piece of art can be, we should always try to see the artistic merit behind it and try to enjoy it, even if it isn't traditional biscuits and tea. The same goes for music, except sometimes it's very, very difficult to defend some of lyrics and imagery employed by certain artists...especially those in extreme metal circles.

Now I started off, like most other fledgling headbangers, as one of these "extreme knights of the round table". The sort of mid-teen defender of the faith that would gladly try to put forward reasons as to why a band like Anal Cunt are as musically adept as Metallica. For a fifteen year old black metal fan, defending my taste in music was something I had to do almost daily, be it at the gate outside school or on some kind of lame Internet forum. As years went on and I started to take everything far less seriously, I realized that there's really no point in trying to convince a Trivium guy that the latest Torsofuck album is anything other than pornographic noise. If someone doesn't "get it", they just don't get it.

Because I now realize that extreme metal is certainly not for everyone, I also realize how people can find the imagery of album artwork and t-shirts utterly repulsive. It's nasty, disgusting, often disgraceful, but I love it. I'm not going to defend it anymore, but I love it. It's in your face and insensitive, much in line with the manner of the music being recorded and performed live. However, there are certain aspects that I simply cannot defend. If someone were to ask me, "What the fuck is going on here?" and showed me the last Spasm record, I'd probably have to brush it off with a nervous laugh. No one has ever confronted me in such a manner, but if they did; I'd have no idea what to say to them. It's not something I'd be worried about, but it's a scenario that I'd find hilariously awkward.

You can't take everything seriously, but Christ on a stick, there are some things even I can't sugar up. Here are some examples of metal album artwork taken to heinous new levels of nasty:

"Hellcock's Pornflakes" by Rompeprop

"Okay, we need to promote the new album guys. I was thinking maybe we could get that comic boo-"
"Man jizzing into bowl of cornflakes."
"Man jizzing into bowl of cornflakes."
"I mean, we've got to try and actually SELL some-"
"Man jizzing into bowl of cornflakes, or I'm out."

"Demonrape" by Urgehal

Even Enzifer himself must have been thinking "Fuck me, this is a bit much, isn't it?" as he straddled that half-naked model with a knife to her throat. This album art isn't just an RIAA nightmare, it also inspires that kind of post-porn guilt reserved for hangover fapping. Great use of shock tactics, guys, but I am not touching you with a ten-foot pole when the armchair activists get wind of this.

"Alien Proton Burst Dildo Insertion" by Spermswamp

I'm not going to lie, I have absolutely no idea where this comes from. I recognize the logo as Spermswamp's, but I've never seen this record mentioned anywhere. It is in equal parts amazing and ridiculous. No doubt it's a screen capture from one of the most demented sci-fi/pornography crossovers of all time and I'd pay money just to see how the story led up to this very moment. This girl probably wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer, she could have been anything she wanted to...but here she is; having her vaginal fluids drained through a long tube held by a blue cyborg/alien hybrid.

"Splatter Fetish 2" compilation, V.A.

I don't know what to say about this. Should I write about it? Is there any need to? I'm not even employed yet, but I already feel fired. There's a masked woman eating some dudes dismembered penis, she's also pooping on his face while her friend impales him on her giant, razorized dildo sword. There's a few guys looking on in horror and disgust from a suspended cage, there's urine and vomit everywhere.

There, I did it. I'm not proud of it, but I did it. Mother, auntie Dawn, auntie Sharon, if you're reading this article, I'm so, so sorry.

Here's a picture of a baby otter hugging a woman's face. That's your reward for reading this.

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