Friday, 17 January 2014

"Weak Heil!"; Five Nazi bands that suck balls regardless of their political stance.

Look, RAC and Neo-Nazis are easy to tear the holes out of, it's like poking fun at some runny nosed Disney pop star; it's almost lame to rip on them at this point. They're the kind of bands who think they're doing the world a favor by getting some cringe-worthy tattoos and writing really sub-par punk rock songs about how great it is to be white and ten reason why black people and Jews invented crime. They're the kind of people who accuse journalists and bloggers of being "brainwashed lefties who hide behind their keyboards", when in actuality they're the ones in hiding. They obviously feel most safe among large groups of other brainwashed eggheads, bare arses perched up on bar stools, liquid feces dribbling sickly webs down their chins and into their pints. They have to organize secret gigs in tiny little dens just so they don't get hassled by the anti-fascists who largely outnumber them. They're basically a lightning rod for hatred and ridicule, a lightning rod with ridiculous facial tattoos and both hands in its pockets.

"Why don't people take my beliefs seriously?" :(

Politics aside, I've always tried to keep an open mind about music. As long as the tunes are good, I could care less what the band are trying to say. When you've spent hours upon hours listening to Fumes of Decay, Devourment and Pathology on repeat then you'll eventually lose all connection with song lyrics anyway and become desensitized to kindly words like; "Dismemberment is what i have in store for you / Not before i rape and beat and sodomize".

While I've always tried to keep an open mind to it, I've never, for the life of me, been able to sit down and enjoy a National Socialist or RAC band. It's not because they're slobbering victims of hard man culture and misplaced nationalism; it's because the majority of them are painfully shit, musically. Maybe their intense hatred of everything that doesn't look like or act like them has hijacked their song writing process or maybe they're simply terrible musicians, either way; I've still yet to hear an NS band that doesn't present itself like bathroom graffiti and doesn't sound like a 12 year old's talent show entry.

Balmung - Black Forest of Hatred

With only one split CD release to his name (I'm assuming this is a one-man effort because it actually sounds as if he recorded all of the instruments at the same time), Balmung died out before he could aspire to the infamy of his hardman peers like Absurd and Burzum. All Balmung ever did was offer us this extremely monotonous split CD alongside another equally as boring band called Gjallar Horn. I imagine that Hitler, for all of his wrongdoings, at least wasn't a boring person. I can most certainly imagine him giving this band five seconds of ear time before screaming "Nicht mehr! Nicht mehr" and immediately forming a suicide pact with his weirdly hot wife.

Absurd - Stahl Blitzt Kalt

Regarding the album "Totenlieder", a member of Absurd stated that "I'm very glad we could prove wrong all the backstabbers and badtalkers, who told all the time, that Absurd is a shitty NSBM band only known for a murder". Well, actually, yes, the only reason the band has any exposure outside of awful RAC fanzines is because one of their former members strangled a teenager with a wire lead. Aside from murder, the only crime this band is guilty of is putting out the kind of terrible "pagan" black metal that sounds like it could be easily covered by an 80 year old pub-dwelling accordion player.

Aryan Terrorism - Crush the lies 

Perhaps one of the bigger try-hards on this list, Aryan Terrorism aren't just content with spewing forth racism and homophobia, they're also not too fond of black metal bands that are far more popular, far more talented and probably far more in touch with reality than they are. In this track, they seem to be insulting every black metal band they feel aren't "true" enough. If writing extremely boring riffs and lyrics that come off like a teenage boy's Bebo rant about his parents, then I'd rather be false. It's actually a tragedy that this band is a side-project of Nokturnal Mortum's Varggoth, a band that has put out some decent black metal in its time. I guess when you've spent your whole career shivering in the immense shadow of bands that went on to do great things, bands that left you behind, you'll develop some kind of racial pride...because you've probably fuck all else to be proud of. Bad Varggoth.

Skrewdriver - Blood and Honour

Possibly the most important band in NS music, their contribution to the genre was immense and even a contrary prick like myself can't deny them of that. Though trailblazers they were, their music was disgracefully boring. This band is testament to the dependent variable nature of NS music. They started off as a half-way decent punk band with their original line-up, but as soon as that group fell apart and they started selling Hitler to teenagers, they immediately turned to shit. The song "Back with a bang" is probably the only track I've ever heard by them that doesn't sound like Al Murray farting into a pint glass and shouting "Corrrr!". Also, Ian Stuart is dead. That's kind of funny.

The Gentlemen Thugs - Smash The Reds

When I first heard The Gentlemen Thugs, I was a little bit taken back. I've seen plenty of live videos of little Nazi conventions before, but I'd never seen anything quite as bad as this. In 2010, I was in a band called Gender Imbalance and we were, musically, The Gentleman Thugs of our town. That's because we never had a crowd, we often trembled awkwardly on stage and our bassist would fuck up on a regular basis (I was that bassist). I'd almost feel bad for these guys were it not for the embarrassing white power banners behind them. The only good thing about this band is that they wear top hats.


While I'm sure that there has to be at least one Nazi band out there that don't sound like utter dog shit, I have yet to find one. ThatMakesItNotInsane is not a political outlet and never will be, but if making fun of really awful music with really awful agendas is wrong, then I don't want to be right.

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