Wednesday, 8 January 2014

"No More Hell to Pay"; Five Christian metal bands that will destroy you with piety.

Rocking out for Jesus is the new prayer, haven't you heard, daddy-o? Worshiping Satan and drinking the blood of the Nazarene is so 1993. Who is more metal than Jesus? The guy got nailed to a cross by a bunch of Romans and got back up three days later to lay some demigod beat down on their impious asses. Also, how do you think Jesus got that ripped-up beach body? Not by sitting at home and listening to the devil's music, I tell you that. He was totally off his shit at the Creed concert, man, he opened up the pit for "My Sacrifice" and had to get some girl with braces to hold his tunic because shit was just going down and someone was about to get hurt.

"Open up this motherfucking circle pit"

Now I'm no fan of a lot of Christian metal, but only because, until recently, I really hadn't heard a bible-themed band that sounded any good. It's nothing to do with the lyrics or their beliefs, no one should think they're being brainwashed by a song (that's hypocritical on your part if you've ever listened to Anal Cunt or The Mentors, for instance). I disliked most Christian metal because the music itself was awful, the exact same way I think most skinhead Neo-Nazi bands, lyrics aside, sound absolutely, irrepressibly awful (No, I'm not likening Christians to Nazis, you sensitive little flower). There's something about bands who try to put a "message" across, that message seems to hijack the song-writing process perhaps, and you're left with some terrible riffs and vocals that seem to take over the whole operation.

I digress.

As I found out, there actually are some Christian metal bands out there that sound pretty damn decent, in my frighteningly retarded opinion. I imagine their tour buses and backstage dressing rooms are totally off the hook too, full of communion wafers, fizzy water and bible study girls with huge hearts.

Deliverance - Victory

These Californian okley-dokleys are regarded as one of the first thrash metal outfits to form in the name of Jesus Christ. While they'd later go on to cover the likes of "Silent Night" and completely  ruin their "Jesus can be dangerous too" vibe, their first self-titled record from '89 is a miracle not even the son of God could conjure. 

Mortification - Terminate Damnation

Mortification are the anti-thesis of traditional death metal, that makes them contrary to something well established. So if death metal attacks most establishments, and Mortification attacks death metal, then are Mortification the perfect death metal band? Probably not, but they're still as unrelenting and pack as much of a punch as your favourite Deicide album. They will grab you by the throat, throw in a headbutt for measure and scream "REPENT!" right in your face.

Corpse - One Living God

Kvlt, grym and Jesus smitten. Corpse deliver rotten, snarling death the old school way and are unapologetic of their particularly confrontational strain of Christian metal. Their provocative and violent lyrics that often attack other religions an non-believers are matched perfectly with the ferocious sonic grind they peddle. It's hard not to be wooed by the pure hatred that seethes through the music. 

Bloodgood - Hey! You

Bloodgood are somewhere between a glam rock band and one of those cheesy PSA adverts that urge you to drink responsibly and avoid sexual contact. In their world; razor sharp guitar riffs and harpy wails meet chastity and responsibility. Those familiar, beer-soaked festival singalong choruses meet sobriety. There's really nothing I can say that can sum this band up better than "Tokyo Blade without the coke".

Hortor - Quien Podra Contra El Poder Del Dios Eterno

Now we're really addressing the musical elephant in the room, "unblack metal". Hortor are generally regarded as a cancer in modern black metal, and while they definitely attack the "philosophy", they're every bit as poisonous and sonically offensive as any of the trve elitists. Don't tell me you didn't get that orgasmic chill starting at 3:15, you know that chill, you got it.


Now I'm not religious in any way, shape or form, but that shouldn't stop me from digging music that pretty vehemently tells me I'm going to hell for everything I do on a regular basis. It shouldn't stop you either. What's the problem with going to hell anyway? All of our friends are going to be there.

No comments:

Post a Comment