Sunday, 12 January 2014

How to say "NO" to Folk Rock

Dressing like a Victorian farmer isn't normal, but on Folk Rock it is.

No. We're not talking Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young. We aren't talking about them at all. What we're talking about is modern Folk Rock, the scourge of the nation.

It's not hip and it's not cool. Your children are being exposed to Folk Rock every day and you probably don't even know it. You cannot switch a radio on without hearing it, you cannot watch the Late Late Show without hearing it, you cannot take in a good mobile network advertisement without it molesting your senses. This is Folk Rock and it is as dangerous as its name implies.

"HEY, HEY KID...wanna play some fiddle?"

Though it may possess the ability to turn your local hip-hop artist into Garth Brooks, there are ways in which we can prevent the spread of this most vile of diseases. You cannot allow this Satanic trend to suck the life from your friends and family, you must act now if we are to prevent the horrors of Folk Rock from devouring YOUR TOWN.


1. He/She has slowly been trying to introduce a fedora into their casual wear.

2. He/She has suddenly started to appreciate BBC's Antiques Roadshow.

3. He/She is now that person who can't go to a session without playing the acoustic guitar for at least an hour.

4. He/She is now that person who can't go to a session without yelling "Sure c'mon we sing a song".

5. Though born and raised a metropolitan, he/she has developed a fixation with old farming tools and stacking hay bales. 

6. Though born and raised a metropolitan, he/she has abandoned the trendy nightclub in favour of the dingy, old man's pub down the road. The one that only started serving women a year ago.

7. You find copies of The Sporting Shooter magazine hidden between the pages of their porn.

8. They have taken to making high pitched yelping noises, bending their knees and clapping their hands at gigs.

9. Their eyes are red and sunken from spending all night awake, drinking blood.

10. Their knees are scabbed and bloody from long bouts of knee-slapping.

11. Important: You can hear the strumming of an acoustic guitar from their bedroom. It starts off as a heavy strum, then suddenly as gentle as a whisper, then heavy strokes once again, then gentle...all in nerve-shattering repetition. This is how Folk guitar sounds.

12. They have started recording music under the name "The Stickney & Poor's Laudanum Cough Medicine Travelling Band" or something similar.

13. They have been waking up in the middle of the night, sodden with sweat and complaining of nightmares about modernization. 

14. You've found an old wooden tobacco pipe where their bong used to be.

15. In extreme cases: They have turned into a Centaur. The lower half of the body is a horse, the upper half is human. May be armed with a bow and arrow.

If any three of the above have been noticed in your home, then I'm afraid you may be too late. You had best let go of the little cherub you raised, he/she belongs to The Lumineers now. 

HOWEVER, if you believe that your child can still be saved, there are measures that can be taken to ensure that they never skip through those infernal fields.


1. Spin the Mumford & Sons "Babel" vinyl backwards and reveal to your child the dark messages masked within the music. You will find the high-pitched bleeting of sheep as well as the sickly squirt and metallic ring of cow's milk hitting an empty bucket.

2. Make sure that they know that The Decemberists are actually werewolves in disguise.

3. Make them aware of the dangers of using a Hammond organ. Over 20% of teen deaths in the UK and Ireland are related to the Hammond organ.

4. Become a completely overbearing parent and never allow them to deviate in the slightest from the plan you had for them from birth.

5. Make them actually live on a farm for a week. Show them that it's not the sexy, rock n'roll lifestyle they think it is.

Now that you are prepared to face the evils of Folk Rock in all of its disguises, you are one step closer to containing this disease. One day we will live in a world free of the wretched pull of this fiendish music. Then and only then can the youth of today continue to dress up like vampires and zombies, and drink cans of Bavaria in the local children's park, like normal people.

This is the future we should aspire to.

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