Monday, 20 January 2014

"I Still Wanna Get Laid"; An Interview with Maggot Twat.

The morons that ruined heavy metal...

Maggot Twat

We were smoking cigarettes outside a derelict building that was supposed to be a shelter for battered housewives when I first heard Maggot Twat. My friend held an earphone in front of me with a huge, crooked smile on his face and he said; "You're going to fucking love this". I slipped it into my ear and was greeted by the sound of 8-bit porno music accompanied by orgasmic wailing, "Doggy style", intense screaming. What's this? The wailing becomes louder and louder, the Sega Megadrive bukkake party intensifies. What followed this brief intro would stick with me for the rest of my life. That was seven years ago and I can still remember the moment like my last bathroom visit.

Maggot Twat don't fuck around. Okay, they do fuck around, a lot, but no one does it better than they do. The music has all the breakneck intensity of a derailing train and all the hilarity of a greased-up midget death match. They bend metal music over a table, pull down its trousers and feed a gerbil into its anus with a tube. 

I got to speak with Spam, bassist and masochistic nincompoop of the duo (trio, if you count Mr. Dick Pancakes, their puppet percussionist). The man's mind is a crypt of ancient, forbidden knowledge. To even attempt to perceive the inner workings of Spam Manwhat is to accept insanity. You may try to get inside his head, though you may never return.

How is life treating you these days?

--Pretty good I would say. I get my pecker waxed pretty consistantly. Plenty of degenerates hangin around to get drunk and high with. Not too many worries.

Maggot Twat has a rich history of producing stellar fuck songs. Are there any sex positions or filthy rituals in particular that should accompany the music?

-- One of my favorites is where you make the girl, or whatever youre fucking, lay on its back with its legs stretched up to the shoulders. Ya know, so the hole is up in the air. Then you mount it backwards so your ass and balls are facing its face. Then it gets to see your ass pounding away. And you can blow a fart or whatever you wanna do.

On a scale of 1-10, how much damage has been done to your brain after all these years of self-harm during the live shows?

-- 3.14159265359 Thats the circumference ratio of my balls to my banus... Or something

If you had to the describe The Imp of the Perverse to an impressionable school boy, how would you describe it?

-- I would just slap him in the face and tell him I didnt mean it. And then slap him again and call him a faggot.

How long did it take to record the new album?

--- 4 long dumbass years. By the time it was done I had forgotten how to play half the songs cuz it took so long. We took our sweet ass time. And it wasent worth it. The album sux... haha.

How does The Imp of the Perverse differ to 8-Bit Apocalypse and Stuffed Animal Orgy?
--- The Imp has I think two serious songs on it. As opposed to the other albums that have zero seriousness. I was diagnosed with Tourettes in 2008 and had to write about it. So wait... maybe there arent any serious songs because tourettes can be fuckin hilarious.

What's the best way to fuck your fucking underwear?

--- The best way is to get caught by your mom while you're grinding the couch pillows in E.T. underwear. It will definitley make dinner conversation uncomfortable.

What's in the future for Maggot Twat?

--- Probably grey pubic hair and more venues and promoters hating us.

Is there anything you'd like to say to the fans, old and new?

-- Hi.

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