Sunday, 5 January 2014

Ask Nora #1


I have known my friend and colleague, Nora Hanney, for many years now and there is no other whom I would think more suitable to take on the role of ThatMakesItNotInsane's resident Dutch uncle. Her mind is eclectic though concentrated and to share in her wisdom is to know the cruel, terrible truths of the human condition at its most bare and foul. Her book, ""The Internal Workings of the Common Sociopath - And Other Children's Bedtime Stories", is an encyclopedia of answers to questions that often don't find their way past the tongue.

We were rowing a small vessel along the Westfjords of Iceland when I proposed to her the idea of an "Ask Nora" column for the website. She immediately threw down all four oars and with maddened eyes she pierced mine and said; "If you would will it".

The following questions were asked on the vastly popular Reddit.com by people who will remain anonymous. Though many were answered, none met the eyes of Nora Hanney. Until now.


“Why does my retainer taste/smell so gross?” ~ Anonymous, Reddit.

AskNora: According to Wikipedia a retainer is “a person, especially a soldier, in the service of a lord in the late Middle Ages”. In fairness, sticking anything from the Middle Ages in your mouth is bound to taste unpleasant, especially a soldier whose probably become sweaty and dirty in the course of fighting all those battles for his Lord. My advice, stop licking and sniffing time travelling warriors.

“Hey, my grandmother received a subpoena for pirating porn. Advice?” ~Anonymous, Reddit.

AskNora: In this difficult time your grandmother needs all the support she can get. Coming to terms with your own sexuality can be difficult for many, coming to terms with the idea than your Nan is fingering herself into oblivion every chance she gets, even more so. Depending on what type of subpoena she received I recommend one of the following:

If she was subpoenaed for testimony, then have her describe everything in intense detail, from the exact type of porn she was enjoying to the feel of her body shaking as she came over and over (she probably was orgasming in public all the time but passed the shakes off as on-set Parkinson’s).

If subpoenaed for evidence then have her bring in her porn stash. All of it. And all her dildos, lube, handcuffs, A-frames and whatever else she had her wrinkly little hands on.

I have no idea how this will help your Nan’s case, but who wouldn’t love to see the courtroom sketches that trial would produce.

“I’m planning on asking someone out tonight, and have never done so before. Any advice?” ~ Anonymous, Reddit.

AskNora: Neither have I, so let me live vicariously through you. As far as I have established through many years of research and people watching, humans love and need several things; attention, food, having their genitals touched and sleep. Knowing this, it is only logical that combining all of these with the asking of “will you go out with me?” can only result in a sure fire yes. Therefore, I highly recommend you approach the object of your affection holding a cake. Open with some flattery (affection) and when they respond shove the cake into their open mouth (food), place a chloroform rag over their mouth (sleep) and as they begin to drift off, ask your question as you stroke their crotch and nipples. Now you just have to wait till they wake up and say yes, and you’ll be on your way to a night of romance.

(Warning: A mouthful of cake while being chloroformed may lead to choking. Just be careful of that.)

“Advice for organizing an orgy?” ~ Anonymous, Reddit.


· Provide snacks and refreshments. Nothing works up a thirst like pounding someone while your mouth is full of dick.

· Put down newspaper. It’ll make cleaning up a whole lot easier.

· Be friendly and courteous. Keep the atmosphere pleasant and relaxed to avoid boner killing.

· Always be yourself. Unless role playing. Then be absolutely anyone else.

“I am going to my first orgy and would like some advice.” ~Anonymous, Reddit.

AskNora: Bringing a gift is usually good etiquette when going to someone’s home for an event. A box of chocolates or a bottle of wine is always acceptable, but in this case a ball gag or a drilldo might be more appropriate.

“I got a noticed from the IRS stating that I owe them $18,000. I’m a 23 year old college student and I earn $10,000 a year. Any advice?” ~Anonymous, Reddit.

AskNora: Stop posting on Reddit when you could be out making money. Unless you’re planning to sell yourself via the site, of course. Although let’s be honest, Craigslist would be better for that.

“16 and pregnant. Can you guys give me some advice?” Anonymous, Reddit.

AskNora: Record your life for the next 9 months. Show it to your child when they hit puberty. This will remove the risk of them also becoming a teenage mother.

“I am a 38 year old man going to college for the first time, I want to study green technology, any advice where to start?” ~ Anonymous, Reddit.


Step 1: Buy green paint.
Step 2: Gather all your technology.
Step 3: Paint all technology green.
Step 4: Don’t listen to advice on the Internet.


If you would like to ask Nora, send your question to thatmakesitnotnora@hotmail.com

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