Tuesday, 7 January 2014

Musicians that would prosper in a post-apocalyptic wasteland.

Everyone's seen Mad Max and everyone's envisioned what would it would be like to be a post-apocalyptic marauder, braving the barren deserts of your once beloved home land and running over Mel Gibson's wife and child on your super sweet motorcycle. It's akin to the zombie apocalypse fantasy, except it's not the ravenous hordes of the undead you have to be worried about, it's your next door neighbour.

Now imagine if the end of the world as we know it really was nigh, but instead of killing us all; musicians inherited the earth. Maybe all those years of huffing and snorting accorded them an immunity to the poisonous gasses that wiped the rest of us off the face of the earth. Of course, when survival on a toxic, desolate chunk of rock is the only way forward, groups of people will doubtlessly band together in splinter communities so that they might be able to replicate some kind of semblance of what it was to live before the bombs fell. But in this dog-eat-dog world and with every musician allying themselves with their fellow breed, who would prosper most in this new, barren world?

Wattie Buchan from The Exploited takes David Lee Roth as his sex slave.

It doesn't take a particularly sociological or anthropological mind to know that the contemporary folk rock bands and college DJs would be the first to go extinct in this violent landscape. With practically everyone from every other gang baying for their blood and without an audience of drunk freshers to play for; they'd either lose the plot completely or be cut up into quarters and shared around by the entire surviving global music scene as it celebrates the only moments of peace it will maintain.

You've also got to factor in the vast number of bands that will surely die as a result of acute alcohol and drug withdrawal. You can kiss goodbye to Jazz at this point.

Suddenly faced with the choice of integrating with a larger community or fending for themselves in the mutant wilderness; the one man black metal artists would most likely attempt mass suicide. Except these artists have never spent a day working a real job and have little to no experience with any real practical activities, usually when they wanted something done, they just asked their parents. So it is that the forlorn black metallers had no idea how to commit suicide and would walk the earth as wandering ghouls, living monuments to human sadness and inefficiency.

What of the rap artists, you ask? Don't you worry about them now. Don't you worry about them.

It may surprise you, but the Crust Punks and Indie bands have actually banded together against a mutual enemy. You see, the Crusties and the Indie kids actually all grew up together, went to the same schools, ate the same oysters, played on the same Rugby teams, life just has its ways of separating us from our true selves. The common enemy they share, of course, is the hordes and hordes of mountain dwelling cannibal Noise musicians who, when forced to leave their college dorm rooms, instantly regressed into a primal and maddened state.

Sadly, the majority of the metal community didn't last long in this bold new world. While some divisions still remain, most of the metal community went at each other with sharp objects during the amalgamation process when they couldn't agree on who was "metal enough" to join. They all died as they lived, absolutely despising each other over the tiniest of differences. It is worthy to note that the lethargic Sludge bands managed to find the only surviving reserve of psychoactive cough medicine and painkillers left on planet earth and now roam the wastelands, hallucinating themselves as birds, cacti and tarantulas. It is also worthy to note that, even after the apocalypse, EyeHateGod are still touring.

But with all of these musicians now fending for themselves in the toxic climate, what bands in particular would stand out from the crowd and earn themselves the kind of infamy reserved for Mongol warlords and racist football players? As legend goes, there are few, though their merciless banditry and lust for blood has made them immortal and their names are carved into scars on the face of our once beautiful planet. Allow me to enlighten you.


It's no surprise that Brazilian warmongers Goatpenis adapted to the killing fields as well as they did, they practically greeted the apocalypse with open arms and a cheeky smile. They were among the only surviving warriors in the great Extreme Metal civil war, fighting for the side that wanted to turn the Groove Metal bands into sex toys. They won.


What? You thought that because they're girls that they wouldn't have what it takes to maim and eviscerate their way through the wastelands? That's the kind of thinking that'll have your guts hanging out and probably eaten by miss Slaughter herself. The band didn't seem to have any fun hanging out with the perpetually drugged-up Sludge heads, didn't like the tone of voice from a lot of the Death metallers and couldn't stand the smell of the Crust Punks.

The Wu-Tang Clan

There was just too many of them. After securing the only low-riders left after the crimson mist, they went about shooting up not just the whole neighbourhood, but what was left of the world. Factor in their martial arts discipline and they soon became a force to be reckoned with. Unfortunately, Method Man parted ways with the group after the death of close friend, Redman. He now wanders endlessly the mountains, in search of inner peace.

Meg White

I honestly don't know how this happened, but apparently there's actually been a long, long history of violence there. She now stalks the wasteland, collecting the scalps of weary travelers and wearing Jack's flayed skin as a ceremonial garb.

Alien Ant Farm

The rest of the music community didn't actually know if Alien Ant Farm were still playing together and thus, the band managed to fall under the radar when the murder gangs were doing the rounds. Though they are far from infamy, they have made a great name for themselves as the one Nu-Metal band to survive the global lynching...because everyone just assumed they were already dead.


This shouldn't surprise you.

Iggy Pop

This shouldn't surprise you.


Have a quick look at them there. Everyone knows that people who use bullet belts as decorative wear are the type who are constantly prepared to rape, pillage and burn absolutely everyone and everything around them. These Spanish demons were ready for the apocalypse a good twenty years before the rest of us were. Only two of them survived, however, as poor "Usurper of Eternal Condemnation and Inverted Crucifixion" died of a broken heart after the loss of his pet budgie, "Spasmodic Death Limb of the Winged Devil Beak". They now plunder and destroy in his honour.


This shouldn't surprise you.

Squiddly Diddly

The only musician capable of surviving in the depths, Diddly quickly made his way to the ocean where he could prosper among his own kind. For too long had he and his fellow seafolk been taken advantage of by the land-dwellers, and Diddly made it his business to bring the battle to the land. With only sensitive musicians left to deal with, Diddly has amassed an army of underwater creatures to rise up and slaughter all human life. He will lead them. He will blow bubbles. His saxophone will accompany the choir of screams and the orchestra of mutilation.

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