Thursday, 28 November 2013

Your sexual partner hates you, here's some fetishes that might spice things up.

You roll away from each other, a deep sigh, and then share an awkward glance. You can see it in each others eyes, your weekly sexual conference has become mechanic and boring. Two years you've spent together and you've forgotten what buttons to press and what nobs to turn. Pleasing your partner has become a chore and you're starting to have second thoughts about one of those flirtatious drunks clustered around the chipper after a midnight clubbing session. Your love life is dead and buried.

Except it's not.

There is only one sure fire way to salvage the carnal beast that you once were, and that is by employing one or more of the following fetish activities listed as follows.


Sexual arousal emanating from poetry. Do you really think Coleridge, the bad boy of Romanticism, died due to complications arising from his lifelong opium addiction? Nope. The man was suffocated by vagina. Poetry can evoke more than just indifference, it can also rile your lover up like an Italian-American disagreement. Next time you feel your sex life is slipping, lay some Wordsworth on the girl and she'll be writhing around madly with sexual intoxication.


Sexual arousal arising from turning someone into a piece of human furniture. When was the last time you were in Ikea or Woodie's? Do you remember sauntering through those isles, catching a glimpse of that cheeky looking cupboard and suddenly deciding that you wanted to make sex to whatever or whomever was present at the time? This may be the job for you. Next time you're in the bedroom with your love person, ask him/her to assume the plank position. Place a nice warm cup of tea and the latest edition of The Star, that you won't actually read, on his/her back. Give it a few minutes, just a few more, now allow your sexual demons to run wild.


Sexual arousal from learning things. Were you the one in transition year that actually studied for the Leaving Cert? Are you instantly drawn to those dark wood coloured hardbacks in the library? Are you suddenly nursing a boundless erection as you read this? Well then obviously you're a Sophophile. Take your partner to your local library, an art exhibition or even a care home and listen to the stories of old men. Once you have done this, take them back to your apartment and give them several hours of orangutan loving.


Sexual arousal arising from life threatening situations. This one is easy as pie. Walk into any nightclub or dorm room party and shout at the top of your lungs "I can drink larger amounts and have more fun than all of you!". This will incite the kind of violence reserved for gang brawls, death metal concerts and Star Trek hand-to-hand combat sequences. If you survive the coming onslaught of popped collars and BFFs, you've done well. Now go, go to your lover.


Sexual arousal from touching an unsuspecting, non-consenting person. You're on the Luas, it's about 8.30 am and the cart is packed up like a Mumford & Sons concert, you're uncomfortably positioned and are trying desperately to avoid eye-contact with everyone around you. Don't hesitate, friend, give in to your sexual deviancy. That girl/guy smells real good, don't he/she? Yeah, you know you want to break you off some of that. Just a slight brush, maybe a pat on the back, offer a handshake and a "Howiyeh?". Job done. Now get off at your stop, take the next taxi home and unleash a sexual whirlwind on your lover of which the likes have never been seen.

Drink black absinthe

I've said this before in a previous article. Just do it. Now. You'll know why.

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