Show of hands who has read World War Z? Now keep your hand up if you’ve seen the film. Finally, keep your hand in the air if you thought “Yes, that was an excellent adaptation of a brilliant book”. If your hand is still up then get out, not only does your nonsense upset me, but you’re not going to like where the rest of this is going.
|"Max Brooks? Sorry. never heard of him."|
Insulting and criticising World War Z may be a bit old hat at this stage but you know what? I like this old hat. It’s warm, it’s comfy and it fits my head super well, so I’m gonna keep rocking it till I’m ready to take it off or until someone makes a film/TV version that actually does the book justice.
I should point out that as a generic zombie flick; World War Z isn’t a total disaster. It’s cheesier than an unwashed dick, relatively nonsensical and has about as much tension as bungee cord made of spaghetti hoops, but given all the zombie movies out there it could be worse. It’s better than Resident Evil: Extinction but it certainly isn’t as much fun as Zombieland or as well executed as 28 Days Later.
My issue is the name. If Brad Pitt wants to jump on the zombie bandwagon and run around being Everyman Everymanerson with the power to fix the world with his UN-ing skills and his beard then hurray for him, but he shouldn’t deceive people. You’re not in a film of World War Z, Brad, you’re in a bigger lie than “Killing Them Softly”, which killed people hard via extreme boredom. So I came up with some other options.
Alternative (and More Appropriate Titles) for World War Z
· World War Brad Pitt
· The Apocalypse, Brought to you by Product Placement
· Zombies and the Inability to Film in a Well Lit Environment
· Brad Pitt and the Most Sickening and Irritating Family Ever
· World War Z: No We Didn’t Read the Book
· Asthma: It’s a Plot Point We’ll Add When Convenient, Not When Logical
· STOP RINGING HIS PHONE YOU STUPID BITCH
· World War Z and the Leaning Tower of Zombies
· Poor CGI, Because a Shit Ton of Zombies is Better Than Realism
· Jerry Lane: The Man with the Power to Tell the Difference Between an Errant Zombie and Turbulence Using Just a Serious Face
· Zombies: Pacman at 30,000 ft
· Jerry Lane: The Man of Unnecessary Metaphors, Dramatic Responses and Pointless Repeating
· Crowbars: Can’t Cross the Threshold of Bacteria Storage Facilities Apparently
· Zombies: The Surprisingly Picky Eaters
· Soda: The Only Logical Choice When Potentially About to Die
You’re welcome Mr. Pitt. What would you do without me?
|Guest writer, Nora Hanney, wielding the unforgiving hammer of criticism.|