Monday, 25 November 2013

Five horrors that could have been avoided if Kurt Russell had been there.

Nora Hanney raised a very interesting question in her article about World War Z and its possible alternative titles. Her blunt criticism of Brad Pitt's role in the film, in particular, is what inspired me to write the following piece. In WWZ, Brad Pitt charges through a whole universe of danger, disaster and tragedy. The man's life hangs by a clothes peg from the get go and though he takes the good shellacking like a champ, his efforts are ultimately fruitless. Some say offense is the best defense, and though he does heap up a nice ol' body count, Brad Pitt still gets seven shades of shit kicked out of him throughout the film. You know who wouldn't suffer the same fate as Mr. Pitt? Kurt, motherfucking, Russell.

"Understand you got some domestic problems..."

Had the burden of saving the entire human race from extinction been bestowed upon Kurt Rusell, the movie would have been over within the first half an hour. The first five minutes dedicated to Mr.Russell exterminating absolutely everything in his path, then a twenty-five minute rendition, extended guitar solo version of Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA" as the credits roll.

Just as he would solve a global crisis as easily as a special needs crossword puzzle, so too would he have been instrumental in preventing other potentially tragic scenarios. Here are some horror villains and nasty sequences of events that could have easily been avoided had Kurt Russell decided to involve himself.

The vampire from Fright Night

A vampire moves next door to you and the first person you ask for help is an aging vampire hunter? You deserved absolutely everything you got, Charlie Brewster, you dumb fuck. Had you simply established contact with Kurt Russell, you could have saved yourself a lot of time, energy and emotional trauma. Kurt Russell wears his heart on his sleeve, he would have actually believed you where the authorities did not. All you had to do was flash the Kurt Signal and your lecherous vampire neighbor would be bird feed within fifteen minutes. He also could have taken care of your excruciatingly annoying friend, Evil Ed. What of Charlie's possessed vampire mistress, you ask? One glance into those Atlantis eyes and she'd be paralyzed with sexual desire.


Kurt Russell has children and therefor an eagle's eye for children's playtime accessories. Were one of his children to rush up to him clutching a ginger doll with a rapist's grin, begging for him to buy it for them, Kurt would snatch the toy up, tear its head off and set it alight immediately. Kurt Russell has portrayed Elvis Presley before. He knows a commercially demented puppet of evil when he sees one.

The Fly

Jeff Goldblum was a fool to believe that he could master instantaneous teleportation without the aid of Kurt Russell. Though Goldblum had the means, he had neither the sense nor the ability to control such a complex piece of technology. Kurt Russell, however, a keen scientist in his time, could have guided him in his experiments and ultimately produced a machine worthy of a Nobel Prize. But did Goldblum make that decision? No. That's why Jeff Goldblum accidentally turned himself into a hideously deformed mutant and ended up assaulting the woman of his dreams. That silly fuck.

Dr. Freudstein from House by the Cemetery
(And the kid)

The very first thing Kurt would have done in this scenario is take the child and smother him with a pillow until his legs stopped kicking. That's the first problem solved. He would then, over the course of a weekend, repair the marriage of the child's disheartened parents. The two would take their leave of the Freudstein house, move to somewhere warm and start a new life as polyamorous swingers. When all is said and done, Kurt would march down to that basement, confront Dr. Freudstein, slap him until all of his skin has fallen off and then roundhouse him back to hell. Russell might then enjoy a cigarette and survey the carnage around him. I hope he does all of this with the eye patch on.

The entire cast of Fast Times at Ridgemont High, except Sean Penn

The movie opens up as a horde of teenagers flock and frolic around a local mall. They're all enjoying themselves and each other. It's a fun time to be growing up, the 80s.

Except it's not when Kurt Russell is here to make you not alive anymore.

He would systematically eradicate every teenager in the shopping mall, starting off with that ticket scalping arse-polisher and finishing the job with that nymphomaniac, jail bait daddy's girl. There would be nothing left but a pool of human entrails, leg warmers and denim jackets. He would leave behind him a legendary annihilation. Losing their virginity before college would be the least of their worries as Kurt Russell enters through those doors. I wouldn't worry too much about finding "the one" Stacey, instead you should probably go looking for a mortician because you have just experienced an unprecedented level of dismemberment.

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