Thursday, 21 November 2013

Urge To Kill: 5 Noise Rock bands that will turn you to herbal medicine.

It's easy as pie to pigeonhole Noise Rock as simply the logical next step for any first year college student with an extensive trip-hop collection. It's dissonant, self-indulgent and has been wearing the same ash-speckled Flipper t-shirt for the last twenty-five years. It's a postmodern relic. As if someone invented the iPhone in 1988 and no one gave a shit at the time. What I'm saying is; it's HIP to enjoy Noise Rock and any of its subsequent bastard offspring. Does that mean we should feel any kind of shame for spending thirty to forty minutes listening to nothing but spazzed out guitar feedback and violent shrieking? Nope. Not one fucking bit. Why? Because if you're reading this right now, chances are you are an absolute fucking weirdo. A negative creep. Be proud.

Jesus & Mary Chain's seminal "Psychocandy" turns 28 this month and what better way for a clumsy, fanboy blogger to pay tribute than by offering up five of the most disturbing Noise Rock bands I've been listening to for the past forever. I'm limiting the list to five bands simply because, to include every Noise band that's coming out of the woodwork wright now, could take a five volume series. As the title says; if this is your first time hearing this music, you're probably going to want to do some soul-searching afterwards, get some chamomile tea and sip some valerian root because these fuckers may very well shake you up like wire mesh.

The Jesus & Mary Chain

Arguably the most important band to emerge from the chaotic post-punk whirlpool of the 1980s. When most bands were deciding on whether or not their keyboard player should have shoulder pads or not, these Scottish reprobates were doing what they do best; fucking up all the shit. Their complete apathy towards musicianship, violent live performances and probably a whole bucket load of amphetamines were a large part of what painted the legacy that still reverberates to this day.

Lightning Bolt

There's absolutely nothing subtle or humble about this nasty duo from Rhode Island. They produce nothing but ear-splitting evil from the get go. Listen to 2003's "Wonderful Rainbow" and tell me it doesn't sound like an aircraft nosediving into the ocean while both pilots spasm violently in the cockpit. Lightning Bolt are just as influential to modern Noise Rock as the cool, Scottish fuckers mentioned above, but they're the type of band that bring a crossbow to a game of Russian Roulette. It's over-the-top and it's absolutely wonderful.


If Francis Wayland Thurston had discovered one of their records instead of his granduncle's diary, he'd still be fucked. I'd like to consider myself a half decent writer, but language itself fails when attempting to describe the kind of madness that Coughs deliver.So instead of even attempting coherent criticism, here's what I think of Coughs. They absolutely exude Yooglefisck, no other band on this planet can Woopdewoop the way Coughs can and it stands to them floopiddy scoopidy gnark gnark. They get eight out of ten poodleburgers.


If you put The Stooges (circa 1971) on a boat full of heroin, assault rifles and crying orphans, they'd probably come out sounding a little bit like Brainbombs. This band is terrifying. The first thing you'll notice is that they are somewhat more intelligible than most Noise bands, you almost think you're about to hear a good ol' fashioned rock n' roll tinged punk track...then the vocals kick in. With songs about murder, rape, torture and any kind of nasty you can think of, this band caters for only the most desensitized of music fans. Even hardened death metal fans can cringe at lyrics like Take a child, use it, make it obey.  They're the kind of band that take the nastiest newspaper headlines, cut them out, rub them in your face and say "Look at how fucking shit the human race are. Look at us."

The Sick Lipstick

I'll never understand how The Sick Lipstick can be so discordant and yet retain this weird charm about them. This has nothing to do with the fact that they are a female fronted band, but listening to them is like being slapped across the face by the most beautiful girl in the club, invited back to her apartment and then tortured with car jumper cables. There's something sexy and wrong about it. 

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