Pornogrind Love Anthems (Seriously NSFW)

Spasm, doing whatever it is they do.

When was the last time you and your significant other really bonded? None of that trivial car journey chit-chat with rivers of saliva running down your chin or that one time you both squealed at the same time when the puppy tried to roll over. I mean, when was the last time you really BONDED. I'm talking sweaty, aggressive bonding. I'm talking about bonding with a sinister agenda. I'm talking about getting tied up sideways and taking a staple gun to the ball sack. Sellotaping yourselves together and rolling down the stairs into a pile of thumbtacks, right in front of your parents. When was the last time you fingered her in a car park, man? She loved that.

What I'm trying to ask you is, when was the last time you and your lover actually did it? With feeling? No, I don't mean feelings, I mean, feeling. When was the last time you fucked and thought to yourself "Oh no, what have I done!?"

Let's face it, friend, you've lost your touch and you know why? It's because you've been trying to slip (or be slipped) the stealth while listening to Chris Martin knock out a few notes on his piano and whine loudly about how shit it is to be Chris Martin. It's all about the mood you set with the music, and if you set a Chris Martin mood, you get a Chris Martin fuck. Boring, lifeless, and empty.

But fear not, my limp and loveless companion, there is one sure way to light a fire under the arse of your sex life, and it's really quite simple. Pornogrind.

Yes, nothing gets your partner writhing around like a lusty earthworm in a child's sand pit quite like broken distortion pedals, toilet flush vocals and songs about holding down a clown and shitting on its chest. If it's "love" you're after, well then go listen to one of those chart tunes from '05. If it's a sea monster apocalypse fucking you're after...let the following anthems soundtrack your bedtime shenanigans.

Spasm - House By The Lavatory

Classing themselves as "Drum n' Bass gigolo Goregrind", these Czech sex demons will guide your erection in any direction.

Cock And Ball Torture - Anal Sex Terror

Cock And Ball Torture are the Slayer of Pornogrind. They are the main event, the coup de grâce, the money shot. They are everything you expect to find in a band with a name like their's, and their song titles appear more like suggestions than witty record sellers. 

Rompeprop - Hellcocks Pornflakes

Covered in blood, semen and other tasty bodily fluids, Rompeprop are a speeding eight-wheeler truck of sexual aggression with the brakes cut.

Torsofuck - Snuffed Freak

Not everyone is into poop. Torsofuck are really into poop. There's not a lot of things these Finnish perverts aren't into. Though they haven't done anything since 2004 and nobody's quite sure if they're still a band or not, Torsofuck's legacy still stands strong like Robert Plant's boner.

Cemetery Rapist - Herpes Injection

Certainly not the most suave of the playlist, Cemetery Rapist is about as blunt as a donkey punch, but your lover(s) will be clawing for their cigarettes once you've seen to them with this as the soundtrack.

XXX Maniak - Prowler In The Shower

With track titles like "I Must Fuck Everything" and "Unbridled Sex With Dead Animals", how could this music not drive you and your partner into a sexual frenzy? Don't knock it until you've tried it.

Spermswamp - Genital Burger

Spermswamp, the little train that could come everywhere. You'll be mopping each other off the floor like a thick gravy when you've slipped this disk in.

Porky Vagina - Something Something Something

Encapsulating everything that's right and wrong about Pornogrind, Porky Vagina pride themselves on their ability to shred and fuck like animals. If the born again Christian and lead singer from W.A.S.P. is ashamed of some of his music, his tongue wouldn't have enough hail Mary's for these Polish demons.

Intracerebrally Consuming Cephalalgia Through The Cranium Macerating Debrisfucked Manure Ingested Remains Of The Mindfucked Cataplexic Wicked Mankind Whom Fistfucked The Progenies From The Deepest Depths Of The Analmaggot Raped Human Pieces Of Erotic Shitmasses Which Gave Birth To Worthless Eunuchs As Travesty For Cumstained Whorefaced Sluts Enslaved By This Stupid Society Full Of Fetal Garbages -

Drunk And Wretched Impressions On Perverted Battering Patterns On A Pubescent Teen's.. (Can't find the rest of the song title)

By the time you've read their name alone, your sex buddy will have climaxed eleventeen times. This is music for fisting AND linguistics.