Wednesday, 9 April 2014

Marquis de Sade's record collection.

Even by today's standards, Marquis de Sade is a sick, twisted, fuck. If sucking a little boy's dick as he floats in a barrel of shit is your idea of eroticism, then Marquis is your man (You should also probably be in prison). Before he popped his final boner in a dank insane asylum in Saint-Maurice, Paris, he left behind him a series of sticky erotic novels that are still as shocking and stomach churning today as they were in revolution period France. Imagine how conservative French leaders reacted to a story about a young girl being groomed to suck, fuck and eventually stitch her own mother's vagina closed with the help of a syphilis-ridden sex slave. That, my friends, is why we still talk about Sade, and it is also why his name is applied to anyone harbouring violent sexual fantasies and whip crack excitement. If you ever happen upon someone twitching in a pool of their own vomit with their genitals exposed, you've either come across the local drunk or someone who picked up 120 Days of Sodom assuming it was anything other than what its title implies.

But what if Sade were alive now? His works certainly wouldn't be considered controversial in this age of Snapchats, sticky nightclub booths and X-tra Vision car park dogging. What we can do, for science's sake, is jigsaw an idea of what Maquis de Sade's record collection might look like, here's a few classics you might find in the boudoir. 

The Mentors

The high kings of misogyny and rape rock, The Mentors, much like de Sade, were very much consumed with the darker side of the bedroom. If The Mentors had written "Whole Lotta Love", it would have been titled "This is Going in Your Cornhole, Slut!". How serious The Mentors are (or were) about their promotion of rape rock is up for debate, with key member El Duce often making television appearances and spewing out exaggerated, pro-wrestling hate speeches regarding a woman's role in society. Nonetheless, if de Sade ever found himself in a potentially harmful conversation with a pub hipster, he'd definitely namedrop The Mentors for extra rape points.

The Genitorturers

De Sade wasn't just all about tying women up and rummaging through their insides with a serving spoon, however, he also enjoyed the idea of role-reversal. I imagine nothing got the blood pumping through Sade's meager, 74-year-old veins like the idea of having a truly 'corrupted' young lady go to war on his nipples with a set of tweezers. The Genitorturers, the rock and roll vehicle for sadean feminism, would naturally be a Sade favourite. Perhaps so much so that they become that band you utterly loathe simply because your one friend wont stop spinning the same album over and over again. I imagine Sade would be that kind of prick.


Prince has more sexual ferocity in his slim, 5'1 build than one hundred horseback Mongol warriors en route to a small, defenseless village. Though Prince may have been more conventional in his approach to sexual conduct (So we think), those sexy bass licks and feminine purrs would have Sade reaching for his lusty chambermaid like the last slice of toast on the breakfast table. Christ, if listening to Dirty Mind doesn't reduce you to sex-crazed ape, then I don't know what will.

Gary Glitter

He fucked kids and that's all I'll say on the matter.


Well, if the name didn't give it away for you, Torsofuck aren't very subtle and they aren't very good at writing love songs, unless your idea of a love song consists of post-mortal fisting or laying on a table and being shit on by a middle-aged salary slave in a gimp mask. Torsofuck are a Sade novel come to life, and there are many more bands like them. However, most of these bands sound identical and are almost impossible to tell apart, so I imagine Sade would favour Torsofuck over the others as he would at least be able to pronounce their name correctly. He may also very well be able to relate to their lyrics, much like all those thousands of alienated youths to "Smells Like Teen Spirit".

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