Monday, 23 January 2017

30 Fun Alternative Facts for Alternative Thinkers.

1. Dogs can only hear James Brown, everything else is white noise.

2. 41.1% of the world's population have thousands of powerful nano-legs built into their skin so they can walk at incredibly slow speeds while entirely horizontal.

3. In 1871, a Scotsman named Pappalong McDurry broke the world record for sheep lamenting. He lamented 9 sheep in one sitting.

4. Lighting lemongrass incense in your bedroom will keep the goblins away.

5. It is physically impossible to talk to your father after that last argument at Christmas.

6. Only 10% of people can see the black smoke billowing from Piers Morgan's collar.

7. There's only one camel in all of Angola, and it doesn't even rep its hardcore scene anymore.

8. Aldi and Lidl went to the same college.

9. Before Douglas Hyde became president of Ireland, he was Jack the Ripper.

10. I have woken up masturbating at least twice.

11. If you hold a 20c coin up to the sun on its reverse side and close your left eye, you can clearly see C-3PO crying.

12. Climate Change is actually a really good band when you import the societal context in which their sound developed.

13. If you say "Flee now, enemies of Christ" while ordering Domino's Pizza on the phone, they'll give you money.

14. 'David Quinn' spelled backwards is 'Jack the Ripper'.

15. I once cut my knee open really badly when I fell off a scooter but I was really brave about it.

16. 97% of Irish teenagers don't know who Margret the Aztec is. Feel old yet?

17. Rain is God's tears when he thinks about all the innocent children he hasn't made suffer yet.

18. Ghosts don't wear clothes. Silly.

19. It's legal to scream into someone's toilet bowl in Sweden, but only if you are videotaping it.

20. You should definitely put that up on Bandcamp, man.

21. Sleep is a concept invented by the HSE to make sure no one is awake to see them burying the treasure.

22. If you stick a fork into an electrical socket, you'll see the angels.

23. Rob Zombie never graduated from Boner College.

24. Professional wrestling is ultimate reality.

25. Jayne Mansfield once successfully synthesized alcohol using her own underarm sweat.

26. The best selling record of 2010 was Granny Sideways' "I Eat The Flesh, I Worship At The Altar Of Beasts".

27. If a goblin can't match your command of the tin whistle, it must leave your home and promptly drown itself.

28. You can clearly hear Nina Persson sing the lyric 'I drank lots of tequila slammers/ now I'mma ride this bag of spanners' in The Cardigans' hit song "Lovefool".

29. Over 10 billion American dollars has been spent in the last three years on a mysterious project titled "Make Robocop Real 2k19".

30. People will think you're much smarter than you are if you are constantly cynical and vaguely hostile to others.

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