Wednesday, 11 February 2015

Things to Do Instead of Vehemently Opposing Marriage Equality.

"Partake not in the flesh of your kind" spake Jesus of Nazareth, whose breath did funk heavily of wine and whose left eye had begun to sag, "for is it not...for is it not...for is it not...nay, forget that which I had said before. Partake in whatever, man, as long as nobody's getting hurt".

And so the apostles did rejoice and make merriment on that night, each one of them completely fucking discombobulated, and they blasted Black Sabbath so that all the kings of Israel may hear it in their beds.

The Jesus Christ Power Hour 18:22:23

We're living in incredibly overbearing and political times. Everyone seems to have picked sides and everyone seems to know what's best for each other down to the most minute and trivial of details, this is true in the cases of both Right and Left wing politics. It's in times like these, where the tiniest of things trigger offense in the militant masses, that you can forget that people's lives, not symbols or subjective meanings, are being held in the balance. So it's a rare occurrence like this one that we can actually pull together and make a real difference in people's lives rather than simply win an unproductive "Twitter war".

For those of you who are voting 'yes' or are interested in learning more, follow THIS HERE LINK.

For those of you who are currently huddled away in subterranean bunkers awaiting the nuclear winter that will weep over the land if the majority vote 'yes', well you're entitled to your opinion as well. That's the beautiful thing about diversity, even the gobshites are allowed to have their say. Of course, the price of diversity is friction, so we're never going to agree on everything.

However, though we may not be able to agree, if you are truly upset over all of this talk of homosexuals marrying and getting one step closer to being treated more like regular folk, then there are measures you can take to both ignore the entire process and claim pacifist status at the same time! Don't be a David Quinn, be a David WIN!

Here's a whopping 50 ideas for how you can spend your time instead of trying to boss other people around under the guise of moral superiority:

1. Go and live with the pandas in China. Marry their ways, achieve total serenity.
2. Start up a coffee shop for solvent abusers. It's an untapped market as far as I know.
3. Ride your bicycle around in circles really, really, really, really, really fast.
4. Claim a sheet of ice in the Arctic as your own and invade Norway.
5. Become one of these people that wait in long queues for the latest in fad technology.
6. Learn how to do sushi good.
7. Become one of these people that bring sushi to college for lunch.
8. Become a sushi fish.
9. Marinate yourself in cod liver oil and become the smoothest person in the world. Charge people to touch you.
10. Start an Anarcho Punk band. Become disillusioned by the whole scene and become a Nihilist, then start an Industrial band.
11. Join the Pigeon Liberation Front. Liberate pigeons.
12. Get really into serial killers.
13. Invent a selfie stick for people with really tiny arms.
14. Drink coffee until you can do absolutely anything.
15. Go to parties and put lamp shapes on your head and become literally the funniest human alive because no one else has ever thought of doing that before.
16. Sell psychoactive cacti to school children.
17. Get on the tanning booth scene.
18. Choose a spirit animal. Tell everyone you have a spirit animal.
19. Become a foot model until your feet are old and unable to keep up with the market's demand for smaller, nicer feet.
20. Bring back The Human League.
21. Invent rocket boots for dogs.
22. Yearlong work-out montage.
23. Travel to Wimbledon in search of Wombles. Do not return without their blood dripping from your hands.
24. Eat all of the biscuits.
25. Get really into Tantric sex and Caribbean shirts. Start quoting Oscar Wilde at every chance that arises.
26. Find your Chakra. 
27. Contact the ghost of Jimi Hendrix and ask him how he did that thing.
28. Fill the void in your soul with mountain climbing.
29. Go to the land down under, where women glow and men plunder. If you hear thunder, you'd better run and probably take cover.
30. Take your blood-fueled revenge on the Communists that kidnapped your family. Drop as many one-liners as you can in the process. Especially "clean up on aisle five."
31. Become a prison dentist.
32. Try and discover a new dinosaur, call it the Diddilywiddlyoppodus.
33. Get really good at playing the synthesizer, but refuse to play it for anyone, stating "I'll never play again...not after that night". Then show up unexpectedly at the high-school prom and play your heart out to the applause of everyone in attendance, including your synth-playing rival, Tyler Bones.
34. Try to absorb solid meals through osmosis.
35. Learn to love again.
36. Learn a really valuable lesson about life with a friend using the Chinese finger trap.
37. Grow a moustache, adopt aviator sunglasses, drive a Dodge Challenger.
38. Start hosting Satanic rituals in your back garden. Provide refreshments and after-party entertainment.
39. Play the Roxanne drinking game until there is no one left standing and even the moon has shunned you.
40. Write a really detailed letter to Blue Sky Studios stating why you think there really isn't any need for another Ice Age movie. The story has been told.
41. Go back to ancient Egypt and help the Nubian kings wage a bloody war with the Assyrians. 
42. Do the monkey with me.
43. Go to a Doom Metal gig and lose every brain cell.
44. Cartwheel everywhere from now on.
45. Learn how to cartwheel 69.
46. Find out if Frankie really went to Hollywood.
47. Bake.
48. Start a cult based around the teachings of George Takei. Make "Oooh myyyy" the ceremonial chant.
49. Learn how to co-exist with people who live their lives and perceive life differently to you. You don't have to agree with each other, but the world is moving on whether you like it or not, things will change and things will stay the same. You may even find that the world doesn't end when new ideas and ways of life emerge, you might even join in celebrating them. You can either live here or simply exist here.
50. Try and piss on every street lamp in your town over the course of your lifetime.

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