It was a real head-scratcher trying to come up with a nice rinkydink and politically correct opening paragraph for this one, I have been inactive for quite a while after all, but then I remembered that most of you are basically just sick, libidinous mole creatures performing substandard impersonations of humanity, and as such, charm isn't necessary to win your attention.
I missed you though.
Music plays this all-important role in even our most humdrum of moments, and it's something that can't be minimized. It can be the difference between a torturous study session with your head buried in the books and a slightly more bearable hour or so of pairing off your essay on Nazi eugenics with the perfect Red Hot Chili Peppers record. It's the main difference between a cookie-cutter meth addict and a Juggalo, between your neighbour's poodle and a "Scene Kid" (remember those?).
Most of all though, music is perhaps the most overlooked of all sex toys, and if it wasn't for that Freddie Jackson record, the one collecting dust in your parents' attic, the cover of which teasingly displays his mustachioed face glaring lustily and readily, you might have been popped off into a sock on that particular night. Music and sex have been inseparable since Marquis de Sade first asked the chambermaid if she'd help him see how far he could fit a bugle up his own arse. Itsuse as both an instigator and accelerator of libido limbo cannot be understated, the problem is in choosing the right tunes. Aren't you glad I'm here to sort you out this Valentine's Day?
Nothing says "I'm a weird fuck, so let's get naked and shame our ancestors immediately" like the horrific
and discordant sonic experience of Italian Futurist anti-music. If your partner doesn't absolutely agree to
all of your hideous plans for the evening after about ten minutes of this, then you may need a new lover.
If you're one of those spooky circus freaks that feels the need to keep the whole sweaty procession in rhythm with the music you're listening to, then perhaps you'd make use of the musical stylings of Canada's own Aaron Funk. Then when you're bragging to your goofy-looking friends, you may have something impressive to brag about for once.
It's always good to be able to last for a whole song.
I heard somewhere that Pedophile Chic was a thing. Actually I didn't, I just made it up. If you do somehow find a partner who will indulge your weird proto-Glam fantasies, then at least make sure they're of legal age. Don't be a prick.
Mad Kabuki Theater Music
Something by the band Korn. Just to set the general tone of disappointment for the rest of the night.