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Tuesday, 10 February 2015

Spice Up Your Sex Life with Astral Projection.



There's nothing quite as disheartening as staring into those eyes that once brimmed with red-hot lust, only to find them idly narrowed in discontent. Somewhere along the line the flames of your passion began to wane until they became nothing but glinting embers that merely blink themselves from existence amid the dark clumps of ash. You both know that there's not very much you can do to save your sex life, you've already tried everything by this most despondent of moments. You held the bucket over their head for the 100th time, only to catch yourself thinking, 'waterboarding just isn't doing it for me anymore', and when you finally did pour the bucket over them, you felt every bit as cold and suffocated as your partner did, who had also begun to tire of it all as well. 

Maybe you've tried role-playing, a fairly agreeable and tame bedroom exercise as far as kinky goes. So the two of you were sprawled out on the bed dressed as a flower and a bumble bee, writhing around in the totally debased act of 'pollination', but then it happened again. You suddenly yearn for the company of other bumble bees, to hear them buzz around the room merry in their endless bumble bee servitude. You want nothing but to satisfy the needs of the hive, anything but satisfy the lover on your bed. The bumble bee character you invented for yourself has swallowed you alive. Your fire has died.

But it can be reignited. 

You see, you've simply exhausted the pleasure of human touch. All those nights spent fucking restlessly like horny psychopaths has taken its toll on your tactile perception, and so that touch that once turned you into a 'roided up Pepe Le Pew has become too familiar, too predictable. You need to reach new, untold of vistas if you are to salvage your love, and you can do this with a little practice known as astral projection.

Not only will this spiritual episode heighten your sexual experience, but it could prove to be the well-needed confidence booster you've been lacking all this time. You may have trouble getting it up sometimes, but your disembodied soul is constantly proud and fully erect. You may be worried about being on your period, nonsense, the soul needn't bleed from its luminescent vagina. No, sexual experience cannot be hindered by human trivialities in the Astral Plane, you are the very perfect form of yourself. Pure, shining, and ready to hump like a dirty pig.

In order to astral project, the two of you will need to create the perfect atmosphere first. Any Taoist with a set of beads would tell you that complete silence is necessary in order to achieve this altered state of consciousness, but I call mischief on that. You'll need the most romantic music imaginable for this ride, so break out the first W.A.S.P. record and turn that fucker up to 11. The music may only be slightly audible in the Astral Plane, or it may present itself physically in the form of coloured waves or shapes, it matters not, you'll be too busy making hump to each other to notice much anyway. You just need some background noise so the Astral neighbours don't hear anything.

Now, with the music blaring, the two of you must sit cross-legged in front of each other on your bed. Relax your bodies as best you can so that you can relax your mind, reaching a state hypnotic sedation is the most important part of this process, it is the key to the gate of unearthly pleasures. If you're having a hard time relaxing, you might want to pop some sleeping pills or a few Tramadols, just to loosen yourself up for the slide into hypnosis. Eventually you will feel your body vibrating lightly, slowly building in intensity until the two of you have finally emancipated yourselves from flesh and bone, and are now ready to bone.

Though your physical bodies will be left behind, cross-legged on your bed, your newly liberated souls will be free to roam the Astral Plane, fornicating as wildly as you please and in any disgraceful positions your sick minds can formulate. You will find that your disembodied bodies have found new meaning and you can begin afresh the exploration of erotic knowledge of which can only be found in one another. You are perfect and your love is perfect.

Or maybe you'll just overdose on drugs in a room throbbing with 80's Hair Metal. At least you did it together.

That's what love is all about.



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