Thursday, 27 March 2014

Musicians that could beat up Robb Flynn (Machine Head) in a fight.

The more things change...

Machine Head's Robb Flynn is known to run his mouth off about everyone and everything that doesn't ring his bell. He's insulted more artists in the press than he's recorded albums over the last twenty years. He's claimed that there's nothing dangerous about music anymore, completely dismissing the flourishing underground metal and punk scenes. He's complained about Avenged Sevenfold's "cover album", when he himself recorded a Nu-metal album in his youth. He's gotten into media bitch fights with Kerry King and DJ Lethal. He's complained about social media and the Internet...via the Internet. And finally, he recently gave his expert opinion on music and how none of "us" care about it enough anymore, despite the fact that no one has any money to splurge out on another generic groove metal album.

So, Robb likes to talk smack about things. That's perfectly reasonable, I like to talk smack about things too. I probably deserve a good arse tanning for 90% of the shit I've talked on this very blog. However, sometimes opinions turn into fightin' words, and I imagine Robb Flynn wouldn't stand a flipper baby's chance against the following musicians.


The keyboard player from Sparks
Fast forward to 1:06

Few people inspire the kind of fear that Sparks' keyboard player deals like cards on a blackjack table. He can sit there for hours, hammering out notes and staring into the abyss, but we all know that the abyss is staring into him.

Hulk Hogan
He released a rap album, this counts.

Corporate leg-dropper Hulk Hogan has pimped himself out for the last thirty years and in doing so has attached his name to everything from bobble heads to spaghetti hoops. Unfortunately for Robb Flynn, Hogan also has a habit of attaching his boot to people's faces.

Doyle Wolfgang Von Frankenstein

Doyle looks like Frankenstein. He could probably open a jar of marmite with his pecks. If the fucker even approaches you, you should probably hope that he's looking for directions and not your skull.

79-year-old Charles Manson

Robb Flynn has made some ridiculous comments during his career, but if anyone can out-crazy him, it's Uncle Charlie. Even at 5'2 and 89 years old, I reckon Manson would make Flynn squeal. That, or have one his drugged-up acolytes do it for him. Either way is fun.

The short-lived B-52's Flintstones tribute act

The B-52s, one of the most fun and energetic bands of their time, would have no problem disposing of Robb Flynn like wet tissue paper. Not a lot of people know this, but the Love Shack doubles as a serial killer's murder lab. That's where the dude from the Manic Street Preachers is.

The Blue Man Group, even without the blue

The Blue Man Group never shy away from a fight. Robb Flynn would make one snarky comment on press day about the performance trio's gimmick, and he'd soon find himself on the mean end of a lead pipe. The BMG don't fuck around and they're best not to be fucked with.

Jackie Chan

It's Jackie Chan for fuck sake, of course he'd take Flynn to school like a crying child. You should be surprised that Jackie has had a pretty successful music career. He's probably made more money as a musician than Flynn, too. That makes me smile.

The dead guy from INXS

Death via autoerotic asphyxiation has to rank high in the top list of ways to fuck yourself up, so Michael Hutchence knows how to fuck someone up. Necromancy (actually, all black magic) is still illegal in Ireland, so I'm told, but so is molesting children and the priests still do it. So maybe reanimating Hutchence for the sole purpose of beating up Robb Flynn wouldn't be such a bad idea. It'd be like Trent Reznor fighting a pussy Zakk Wylde.


Not much is know about Spermswamp, other than his (I'm assuming this is one guy) makes the kind of woeful pornogrind that only Spanish crusties and nudists would care to indulge in. However, though Spermswamp's identity is somewhat of a mystery, I imagine he's developed quite a powerful fisting arm.

These creepy North Korean kids

Even North Korean children are frightening. These automaton cabbage patch kids could probably even rival Flynn's guitar wankery. They'd certainly outnumber him and they're probably highly skilled marksmen because if you live in North Korea, chances are you're ready to open fire on Westerners on sight. 

Blind Willie Johnson at his blindest and deadest

Dead as he his and blind as he was, good ol' Willie Johnson was no stranger to fighting. The man started a riot in a New Orleans court house simply by playing a tune on his ol' geetar, imagine what he could if he really hated someone, if he weren't so fucking dead.

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