Tuesday, 25 March 2014

Ask Nora #3

Back like a bad rash, it's Ask Nora!

If I can see you - why can't you see me?
Mysterious Nigel

Unfortunately after a serious accident involving a spork, a frisky Belgian and a slip and slide, I lost the ability to see anything within the Mysterious Spectrum. It’s like colour blindness, but with mystery, and I’m pretty sensitive about my disability. Thanks for bringing it up, dick.

I’m writing this while driving at 220 mph on the Autobahn just outside Dusseldorf. My mother’s head is on the dashboard in front of me and the rest of her is in the passenger seat. We had a small accident with a circular saw. My question is, should I take her to the hospital for treatment or should I just accept this as our life now?
Thank you in advance.

Accept it as your life obviously. How could you possibly want to give up on what is clearly a golden opportunity to team up with her as a crime fighting duo? Mother & Son – Birthing the World from the Womb of Justice. Travelling from place to place, solving crimes and cracking puns like “Crime is no way to get a head in life” and “My Mother would escort you to prison, but she’s got no body to go with” and “Shit, I decapitated my mother”…Hmm…That last one might need some work but you get the idea.

If humans had tails, what do you think they'd look like? I think they'd be like rats tails but shorter, fatter and more fleshy but I'm sure there are other possibilities holy shit how did I make it italics and how do I turn it off.

I think you might be right, but I’d prefer them to be more like a red panda’s. Them things are fluffy as hell. You’d have a duster AND a pillow built into your spinal cord. If that’s not living the high life, I don’t know what is. I may just have very low standards of living though. Also, Ctrl + I.

What do you think she'd be like if the statue of liberty could talk?

Well she was built in France and has been in New York a damn long time, so she’d be a French Yank. A Frank. Which makes her sound like a man. Holy shit, the Statue of Liberty is Transgender. I’VE SOLVED THE MYSTERY!

Where is the female clitoris located? is it on the leg? Is that why people hate Chaffing so much? I'm so confused, help!

I want to help, but I feel like really the only help I can give you (and the vaginally endowed half of the population) is to tell you to never touch a woman. It just sounds like you trying to finger someone will be more akin to a vigourous thigh prodding rather than something pleasurable. All women encounter at some point a person who is convinced they’re treating the clitoris to a fiesta of sensations but in reality is being about as arousing as a striptease from Pennywise the Clown. You sound firmly in this category. There is no saving you. Go. Be free. Be abstinent. Maybe remove your fingers just to be safe.

Your column is sinful and I'll shut it down. You don't know me and can't find me. Heh heh heh.
Love Dave.

If anyone has any information on the whereabouts of this master of disguise and subterfuge, please email us at thatmakesitnotnora@hotmail.com. We are clearly dealing with a terrorist of huge skill and importance. All we have is his full name and email address, we need your help to identify and locate this man and bring him to justice.

Get your questions in to thatmakesitnotnora@hotmail.com or eat a bowl of shit.

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