Monday, 17 March 2014

100 things that are more important than Fred "God hates fags" Phelps dying.

1. Using a four month old newspaper as a coaster so you don't leave rings on the coffee table.
2. Pausing in the middle of a wank to look up to the sky and listen to the Angelus.
3. Getting really peeved at Roman period architecture.
4. Scarfs tucked into turtleneck jumpers.
5. Subhuman rollerskating assholes.
6. Eating an entire bowl of crushed salty biscuits with wet hands.
7. Counting every second of an hour for two days straight.
8. The uncontrollable urge to shit somewhere you're not supposed to.
9. Government sanctioned baby fighting.
10. Small children making a fucking show of themselves in public.
11. Tesco brand lemonade at the world's worst picnic ever.
12. Lads who buy muscle rub cream just to have it.
13. People who can't stop verbally masturbating in public and don't even realize they're doing it.
14. Mary Harney.
15. Combining trad music with electronic.
16. Facial tattoos.
17. Teenagers getting really excited about seeing each other for the first time all week.
18. Excessive hugging.
19. Children's television presenters who hate the cards that life has dealt them.
20. People who brag about remembering the 90's because they've spent most of their lives failing.
21. Drinking Benylin and grape juice.
22. Drinking sizzurp.
23. Re-learning how to play the tin whistle after years of inactivity.
24. Of all the instruments primary school teachers could have forced you to play, the fact that they chose the tin whistle.
25. The fact that there's a tin whistler reading this who doesn't find my comments about the tin whistle in any way entertaining.
26. Weird Norwegian craic.
27. People who don't bring the motherfucking ruckus.
28. Hitler painting Eva Braun's head on poodle bodies.
29. Badminton as a national sport.
30. Kodaline getting really scared by the presence of Public Enemy on the bus to the vegan yoga retreat.
31. The cast of Fair City and the promises that were made to them.
32. Television stations that go idle for six-seven hours when they could be airing porn or happy slapping videos.
33. Doing push-ups at a party.
34. Wearing elbow and knee pads on your bicycle.
35. Ten hours of uninterrupted nipple pinching.
36. Complaining about the Dublin hip-hop scene on an Internet forum for crippled fishermen.
37. A clown's place in modern society.
38. Missing her smile.
39. Watching the Iron Sheik break a man's neck.
40. Films about spooky ghosts.
41.  Losing all motor skills.
42. Coolio on a British game show.
43. Going to a nightclub with the girlos and being pound for the pound the heaviest coke user among them.
44. Building a house from the inside and forgetting to make a door.
45. Playing snap with tarot cards and accidentally giving your best friend two months to live.
46. Realizing that The Dandy Warhols are actually pretty good.
47. 100 man tournament of death for the right to eat Emma Stone's lip balm.
48. Expressing your dislike for something in a Youtube comments section.
49. People who get their hair cut the same way as football players.
50. Wearing a big black trench coat to college.
51. This.
52. Exploiting the working class.
53. Growing your fingernails out and becoming a Chinese wizard.
54. Bands that tell you the tuning of the song in the title.
55. Hyperventilating when you see a cat wearing little slippers.
56. Being white and teaching children how to waste pasta on art.
57. Carving a glory hole into the photo booth in Tesco.
58. Braided beards.
59. Training under the sword for twenty years, but hoping that you will never have to use your devastating new skills.
60. Quitting the team, then showing up at the last second and winning the game for them.
61. Going to the prom with Jaden.
62. The credits at the end of the six o'clock news.
63. Wanting to pull that fucking prick's stupid looking moustache off.
64. Loneliness.
65. Setting off fireworks in a creche.
66. Buying the movie rights to Josef Fritzl's teenage years.
67. Casting Zach Efron as teen Josef Fritzl.
68. Having the fucking sack to say that The Human League aren't one of the best bands ever.
69. Picking fights with your spouse because it's the only passion you can salvage from the relationship.
70. Creepy knock-off breakfast cereal animals.
71. Fighting the urge to pull the braces out of a someone's mouth.
72. Screaming at the pedophile to run away on To Catch A Predator.
73. Weird Lucozade flavours.
74. Donating your body to science before car bombing a children's Christmas play.
75. Getting arrested for not liking America.
76. Decaf anything.
77. Learning Tibetan throat singing because your stupid band aren't stupid enough.
78. Taking car advertisements seriously.
79. Babies coughing loudly without any consideration for anyone around them.
80. The sound of a baby's cough.
81. Teaching your dog to play basketball because a movie told you to.
82. Accidentally torturing your partner to death because they forgot the safe word.
83. N├╝rnberger Rostbratwurst.
84. Counting ever tile on your floor and then wondering why you did it.
85. The latest in women's footwear being a sponge on a string.
86. Social justice writers on Tumblr.
87. Blackenstein.
88. Weird Lithuanian craic.
89. Scary dog funeral.
90. Lightning powered dildo phone.
91. Professor Mentok's school for unclaimed orphans.
92. Old people requesting shite songs on the radio.
93. Sea cow.
94. Moon dog.
95. To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.
96. Becoming physically and mentally dependent on Spiderman toothpaste.
97. The fact that a far superior human being and musical legend, Scott Asheton, has died.
98. Playing the best trumpet solo ever on your own in a field.
99. Growing a moustache that looks like a fucking spring roll hanging under your nose.
100. The Rick James impersonator from Mayo.

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