Wednesday, 6 June 2018

Toilet Broccoli and Other Things you can Cook in Prison.

Food science in Riki-Oh (1991)
Prison life can be a hard pill to swallow, but that doesn't mean it has to taste bad. Even cop-killers have to eat.

Nothing nurtures self-reliance and resourcefulness like being locked in 6x8 cell with a twitching Aryan Brotherhood initiate. If prison is a university for criminals, then culinary arts is most certainly on the curriculum. The other modules might include burning razor blades into ballpoint pens and getting the shit stains off your wall.

To preface, I've never been to prison. I am a white male form a middle class family and am naturally invisible to gardai. But that doesn't mean I can't catalogue some cell-made meals in case I do happen to get caught with a few trays of Spanish willy medicine.

But if you are a young man whose all-encompassing mental illnesses grew inside you after years of deprivation and cruelty - here's some delicacies you can easily whip up from the comfort of your horrific living conditions.

Toilet Broccoli 
What you'll need:
Boiling water.
A bin bag.
A toilet bowl.

Pour your boiling water into the bin bag, quickly adding in your broccoli. Burn tiny holes into the bottom of the bag and hold the bag over your toilet bowl. Boil for about 10 minutes and then allow the water to slowly drain from the bag into the toilet and voilá - you got some top quality toilet broccoli to power your next prison yard workout.

Toilet Chi Chi
What you'll need:
Boiling water.
A bin bag.
Whatever you can steal from your kitchen shift.
A toilet bowl.

Pour your boiling water in the bin bag and quickly add whatever ingredients you could stuff into your underwear while nobody was looking. This can include rice, sausages (diced), eggs, and preferably some kind of sauce to add a little gooey broth to the dish. Boil for about 15-20 minutes before draining the water into your toilet.

Prison Latte

What you'll need:
Milk (stolen from the chow hall).
Boiling Water.
Instant coffee (stolen from kitchen or traded for cigarettes)
Maple syrup (stolen from chow hall)

Run the boiling water over the milk carton until it becomes nice and frothy. Add in your instant coffee and stir. A teaspoon of maple syrup should give the concoction that thrifty Sex in the City bite.

Prison Toast

What you'll need:
Toilet paper.
A radiator.

Wrap your bread in the toilet paper and leave it on the radiator for 5-6 minutes


What you'll need:
Hypodermic needle.

A bottle cap.
Cotton balls.
A lighter.

A tie-off (A shoe lace)

Boil your powdered heroin on a bottle cap using your lighter until the solution begins to coagulate. Pinch a piece of cotton ball and place it into the cap and use your needle to press down on it until you feel the solution has been absorbed thoroughly by the cotton bud. Load up your needle, tie yourself off with your shoe lace, spend an hour trying to find a productive vein and voilá - heroin ala carte.


Did you find these recipes of any use? If so, for more information on how to cook in The Big House, just visit your local restaurant and wave a fully-loaded gun around until you're tackled to the ground amongst a maelstrom of violence and distress.

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