Monday, 24 November 2014

The Best Kinds Of Baby To Adopt And How To Eat Them.

Life is an underhanded bitch. So much so that it keeps certain harsh realities obscured, only to reveal them to you as you stand trembling at the end of its diving board. One of these grim and sobering facts of existence is that your future partner may want you to use your sexual apparatus for procreation, as opposed to merely slapping it about wildly in a room of tin foil to the forensic pathology grooves of Kraftwerk. Indeed, according to certain "experts", I've learned that I may one day have to create a crude copy of myself and entertain the idea of a family for long enough so that I don't have to be buried in a pauper's grave.

I've always enjoyed my own company, but then again I was lucky to have turned out to be the fun guy I am now. However, the idea of drinking cans of Hackenberg and dancing to New Order alone in my room at the age of 30 is pretty bleak, so I know that one day I will have to try to keep someone entertained for longer than a week or two. Though this may all sound like I'm making a huge compromise for the sake of romance, I've learned of alternative remedies to my situation that might prove beneficial to all parties. Instead of using my dude to create a clone to which I can pass all of my addictive and destructive traits to, I will instead buy a baby with the money I make from embezzlement.

Buying a baby makes far more sense than making one. Firstly, you don't have to change the shitty nappies of your own tiny, screaming pastiche. Secondly, when you eventually find yourself cooking it at 250 F degrees, you won't feel guilty knowing that it's been in two different ovens in the same house.

So, without further ado, here's some babies that would make great food for you and your lover right before you get back to fucking constantly like normal people.

1. Hairy Babies.

Hairy babies go wonderfully with French toast and a Mimosa. Light but energetic, sweet but bold. The kind of thing you'd serve at a swinger's brunch. They came out with a mane, don't let them go back in vain.

2. Giant Fake Babies.

Giant fake babies are hard to come by, but you know that if you do, you have to snap them up before they're gone. Fantastic for special occasions when the table is full. Best served with a real baby.

3. Babies Dressed As Animal Babies.

Cute as a button, but not so much that you won't stick a fork in them. Served best with red cabbage, tiger prawns, and a tall glass of Raging Bitch.

4. Babies That Won't Stay Still.

Lively little things with a considerable amount of muscle tissue to consider when choosing a cooking format. This is one for the frying pan alright. It doesn't matter whether you like it bloody or well-done, this is one that needs all the garlic and parsley in the world. Chili if you're having adventurous guests. 

5.  Old Babies.

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