Thursday, 1 May 2014

137 Stuffs To Do This Summer (Part One)

Prompted by an article on Parentables entitled "137 Ways to Pamper Yourself, Lift Your Spirits, Or Recharge Your Life", I decided to use it as a template for a list of 137 you can do this Summer, as recommended by TMINI. If you even attempt to live your Summer outside of this article, you're going to have a woeful time. You won't have that Summer romance, you won't dance in the moonlight, you won't create memories, you'll just rot away in boredom. Follow my advice and we can all enjoy ourselves. Stock images are way fun.


1. Play kiss chase with the children down the road.
2. Get someone's number off Facebook and text them repeatedly.
3. Grimace at moving cars.
4. Send Snapchats of your genitals with smiley faces to all of your contacts.
5. Go to a fetish club night and become someone's rotten little toilet servant.
6. Start a poke war with the person sitting next to you on the bus.
7. Explore your sexuality with willing participants in a house boat.
8. Surprise your friends with free ecstasy in their drinks.


9. Stand outside petrol stations all day.
10. Go to gigs and sniff the drummer's seat as soon as they've finished.
11. Start huffing solvents.
12. Singe your eyebrows, inhale deeply the essence of death fart.
13. Book a plot of land on Courtney Love's arse for a week.
14. Stay inside a portable toilet on a construction site for as long as you can without getting caught. This doubles as a game.
15. Toast bread until there's nothing left of it to toast.

Water Activities

16. Go to the fishy museum and put your hands in the water.
17. Play exclusively in the shallow end of the swimming pool with all the infants.
18. Arm bands as casual wear.
19. Run through the streets roaring and crying after letting shampoo run into your eyes. Attract as much attention as possible.
20. Swimming caps as casual wear.
21. Take your boogie board to the beach and try to drown.
22. Take a bath with your toys and realize that there's nothing left for you here.


23. Copulation.
24. Sit on your hand until it's numb, use it to satisfy self in the library.
25. Blare "My Favourite Game" by The Cardigans and allow yourself to be sexually humiliated by someone you met on the Internet. See rotten toilet servant/crying breast milk seizures.
26. Put your head in one of those fishy pedicure tubs that rich girls use.
27. Trade blows with your local drunkard.
28. Lather yourself with baby oil and do spins on your lover.
29. Objectify everyone you meet.
30. Torture your nipples with car jumper cables in front of your parents.

Spa or At-Home Treatments

31. Ask people at the beach for back rubs.
32. Give people at the beach back rubs.
33. Rub ginger in your eyes.
34. Take loads of Feminax with lucozade and get sick on your doctor's desk.
35. Roll around in mud until you're beautiful like Liv Tyler.
36. Let snails crawl all over you body. It has to do something.


37. See how much salt you can ingest in one sitting.
38. Take your shirt off, lay on your dinner plate and see if you can absorb the whole fucking thing through osmosis. 
39. Make a pie out of old teabags and powdered toothpaste.
40. Lick someone you're not supposed to.
41. Go to the fetish club again and see what the man babies taste like.
42. Adopt the paleo diet, except completely nullify its health benefits by taking up the flesh-eating drug Krokodil.
43. See how many batteries you can fit in your mouth.

Baby Elephant Craic

44. Find Lenny Kravitz.
45. Drink through your nose.
46. Make deep guttural noises.
47. Get your mother to bathe you in public.
48. Use your nose to guide food to your mouth.
49. Never forget.

Outdoor Rest and Relaxation

50. Run through the streets wearing nothing but sparklers.
51. Build a beaver dam on the main road.
52. Pretend to be your favourite animal at a funeral you weren't invited to (Extra points for just saying the name of your animal over and over again, loudly.)
53. Discuss the symbolism of pine cones with a pine cone.
54. Stare at people from the safety of the trees.
55. Horseback bass solos.
56. Chase after sheep around their field until they die.
57. Kiss in the rain until it becomes really uncomfortable for both of you and it gets to the point where one of you actually asks the other to stop.
58. Walk into the ocean, resurface years later as a scaly harbinger of doom.

Look at how pissed off that baby is.

Indoor Rest and Relaxation

59. Hypnotic drug rituals.
60. Living room archery.
61. Paint your nightmares on the walls.
62. Arts and crafts with stolen wedding rings and finger paint.
63. Never sleep.
64. Slowly withdraw into yourself.
65. Film pornography. Employ terrible stock circus music in the video editing process. 
66. Add to your prosthetic limb collection.
67. Make a fort with your little cousins/siblings, viciously defend it from them. 
68. Fake your own death in a bath tub with a bucket of water and a few sachets of tomato sauce.
69. Communicate with the ghosts.
70. Reproduce inequality.

To Be Continued...

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