Thursday, 12 March 2015

Pick-up Lines For The Staggeringly Corrupt.

I won't even attempt to legitimize the following article with an introduction.

Pick-up lines for the staggeringly corrupt:

1.  I would literally pull a knife on a baby panda for a moment alone with your socks.

2.  I really like that band on your t-shirt, we should have them playing in the background while you burn me with lighters.

3.  You have the most beautiful smile, I look forward to picturing it on my death bed.

4. Did you fall from the sky? I only ask this because I'm an expert in suspension bondage and wouldn't let that happen to you.

5. Your current lover looks like they might be incredibly boring, you should come live with me on my house boat.

6. Your current lover looks like they might be incredibly boring, I have most of the Merzbow records on vinyl.

7. Your current lover looks like they might be incredibly boring, whereas I've just spent the night in jail for flashing the postman.

8. I am so horny for you that I've actually started to develop really itchy hives.

9.  I'm actually required by law to stay away from computers, but can I have your land line number?

10.  Will you please just spit on me?

11.  Will you please just put on this mask and blow smoke in my face?

12. Will you please just sit on the other end of the bed and let me bark at you like a dog for a while?

13. Will you please just dress up like Genghis Khan and pretend to invade me?

14.  Wanna see how long we can both go without oxygen? I have a deprivation tank for this very reason.

15. I've got seven other people in furry costumes and half a bag of crushed Bromadol at home and all we're missing is you. 

16. You look great tonight, you'd look even better behind a two-way mirror while I weep openly and masturbate.

17. I don't know if you know this, but I'm a pretty big deal on the hospital parkour scene.

18. I don't know if you know this, but I run ThatMakesItNotInsane.

19. I don't know if you know this, but my spirit animal is the dragon.

20. This is my wedding dress for when you propose to me. It's made of your skin.

21. If I had a boner-meter right now, I'd only be at 1 because I'm currently wearing a device that painfully limits blood-flow to my dick. It really hurts.

22. I want to come at you like a frenzied drug sniffer dog.

23. I will pay you a fiver to let me lick your armpit.

24. It's just a bit of poo. It won't bite.

25. I scream myself into exhaustion thinking about the moisture on your tongue.

26. I would feed every child in this town to a volcano if I thought it would earn me the chance to lap up the soap suds off your shower curtain.

27. You're definitely the only 10 in this room. I know because I've been around to everyone. 

28. No, please, don't leave your coat with me, I will try to eat it.

29. You have no idea how much Valium I had to take to stop myself from licking you chair.

30. At this point, I'm just happy you haven't called the police.

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