Tuesday, 19 August 2014

Royalty-free Names for Boring Bands.

Malcolm in the Middle-of-the-Road.

So, you and your friends decided to start a band last night while sinking into your pints and watching the football in your local piss fountain. Well done, that's how all great ideas come about, you've just dipped your toe into the same pool of stimulus as artists like Joy Division, Bach, Megadeth, and the sitar playing cat that followed teenage Moses around. The pub is a temple of deep meditation and you've just made the greatest decision you are likely ever to make in your lifetime. But what comes next, you ask?

Well, no doubt you aspire to be every bit as boring as the likes of Coldplay or Linkin Park, why else would you be pursuing a career in music? If you aren't in it to win it, you should probably bin it. But what's their secret? How can these cripplingly monotonous acts remain so for their whole careers while simultaneously earning enough money to more than feed their honeydew-almond smoothie and button collecting habits? Well that's an easy one, you silly rasher, just think about it for a moment. 

What do all of these popular bands have in common? The Decemberists? OneRepublic? The 1975? 

Yes, you've got it. They all have incredibly boring names to frame their incredibly boring music. That has always been the secret to pop music. C'mon, The Beatles, you knew it was true, you just didn't want to say it. There's something about a really colourless name that hooks people in and practically orders them to part with their money for CDs, vinyls and festival day tickets. If you can mix up the band's name with that of a British insurance company's...you can bet your bottom euro that that band will one day be eating their burnt toast from a supermodel altar and will have collected more number ones than a urostomy bag.

So now that you've learned the secret to all popular music ever, what about your band? How will you make your millions, considering the leviathan shadow of all the astonishingly boring UK 40 artists cast over your lithe form? The trick is to come up with a band name so inoffensive and passable that it can spring gently from the hushed voice of a deaf child in a library's coffee shop. 

Here's a few I came up with earlier:

Oaken Evening Socks

The Brown

The Vase


Palm Wrinkles

The Song People

Beginner Badger 

The Honey Oats

Jack Seeds

Follow the Roo

Bridgeless Shades


Pinky Promise

Smoking Cessation

The Country Roads 

Avocado Hiccup

Tepid Tea Quartet

Medicine Time

Eau Potable


The Braided Maiden

Turtle Friends

Verse to Verse

Sleepy Pottery Farm

The Chris Martin Band

Furniture Visage

The Chilly Octobers 

Leftöver Snack

Tax-exempt Butler Cult

The Letter C

Cello Lesson Tuesday


The Love Loves

Living Room Etiquette 

The Highlights

Loin Cloth for Jesus

By Lamplight

Mansfield Park Club

Dream of Lemmings

Well, what are you waiting for? Father's consent? Pick one quickly and assemble your band into the garage or shed, you've got bland and irksome music to make and without you, how will the sportswear shops sell their products? What will the Kildare hurling team listen to? You've got the name, you've got the time, now you've got to shine. A world of money and painful indifference is now your oyster flavoured crisps.

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