Thursday, 19 June 2014

137 Stuffs To Do This Summer (Part Two)

Get Physical

71. Take ecstasy and do push-ups until it's morning.
72. Learn how to do handstands, hand-walk through the streets.
73. Take steroids and wait until something happens.
74. Power walk in front of a hearse en-route to cemetery. Don't let it overtake you.
75. Pregnant lady hurling. Interpret this as you will.
76. Listen to "The Final Countdown" until you have pecks.
77. Go to the U-18 disco well into your 20s, because you're a fucking freak of nature and you know who you are, you loathsome fucking scab.
78. Split your significant other in half using a myriad of weird sex appliances.
79. Climb a mountain, cartwheel off it.
80. Get SARS going again.

Thrill Seek

81. Conglomerate with a large group of friends and engage in anti-social behaviour in a residential area until the police come.
82. Bring a knife to a music festival.
83. Take a grimoire into your bedroom, explore your demons and don't emerge until you have become the mystikal dead. That which lives but does not breathe. 
84. Smack your bitch up.
85. See how many jelly worms you can fit in your mouth while driving.
86. Pregnant lady touch rugby. Interpret this as you will.
87. Buy human flesh on the black market.
88. Give yourself a cleft lip, carry a pistol. Become Cleft Eastwood.
89. Try to piss while sky diving.
90. Become an anti-semitic juggler or pianist. 

Reading and Writing

91. Show up at an Alice Walker book signing in sheepskin and crudely crafted bone jewellery. Throw her over your shoulder and claim her as your property. 
92. Teach disadvantaged children how to read George Bataille's Story of the Eye
93. Post your stupid Dungeons & Dragons short story to one of those social media fiction community sites. Then throw yourself into a fucking slurry pit when no one "favourites" it, you fauxhawk pussy.
94. Read this blog.
95. Write a mock epic poem about that time you got/gave a hand job in a car park.


96. Go to one of those adult cinemas and lick the hand rests on your seat.
97. Invite her over to watch The Lion King or Toy Story or something. You're just going to be eating each others genitals anyway.
98. Start an anti-semitic juggling trio.
99. Take a fistful of valium right before leaving your house to go somewhere important. See how long it takes for your limbs to turn to jelly. Lose friends.
100. Go to the fun fair, abduct children, sell them to the circus.
101. Visit the magician Nyarlahotep.
102. Enter a cock fighting competition as a contestant.
103. Go see Six Feet Under and heckle everything from the moment you enter the club. The beer, the opening bands, the venue itself, Six Feet Under, the person standing in front of you, taken no prisoners.


104. Learn how to play the sitar. Make sure every conversation you have with anyone is centered around your ability to play the sitar.
105. Stage dive at a Dickie Rock concert. 
106. Travel back in time and try to pinpoint the exact moment the rest of No Doubt realized that Gwen Stefani was the only good thing about the band.
107. Attend a Cranberries show wearing nothing but sellotape.
108. Start a noise rock band. Do it.
109. Learn how to play the piccolo and attend jazz society nights in your college town. Do this for the sole purpose of staring longingly at the girl on stage playing piccolo. Those lips.
110. Light up a cigarette while playing guitar because everyone loves a fucking prick.
111. Go to a nightclub, spike yourself, pick a fight with the DJ. Win.

Give Yourself a Makeover

112. Put a really huge hole next to your mouth, if anyone asks you about it, get really snarky and explain that it's your drinking mouth.
113. Transform yourself into a lizard using advanced technology and the broad command of chemistry that you developed that night you were drinking rosé.
114. Tattoo a message on your body to your future coroner, something along the lines of "bring me back".
115. Shave your entire body, grease yourself up, and touch everyone you meet.
116. Get swastikas tattooed to your face because that's a great way of putting your message across.
117. Get the Flock of Seagulls haircut. Then kill yourself.
118. Start dressing exactly like a mixture of Sonny Crockett and Adolf Hitler. Adolf Crockett, if you will.
119. Wear tough guy TapouT shirts over your fat fucking belly. You fat fuck.
120. Starve yourself for a few months, drop just enough weight so that ants can carry you but worms can't quite eat you yet.

Learn how to

121. Speak Spanish, use it to sell carpets to children in Italy.
122. The "pray and spray" method of automatic gunfire.
123. How to love again.
124. Contort your body into seemingly impossible shapes. Use this as a party trick, whether or not you are asked to do so.
125. Cook baby animals for your dinner party.
126. Surf with roller skates on.
127. Become a cage fighter, fight in cages.
128. Astral project into prison showers.
129. Play the acoustic guitar, learn exactly one song. Have all the sex.


130. To Iraq. Pick a side.
131. Remain sober on your flight but harass the cabin crew as often as possible.
132. Find Michael O'Leary (CEO Ryanair), befriend him, learn his patterns, then shit on his desk when he least expects it.
133. To Tajikistan and see what the fucking craic is like there.
134. To the deep, winding catacombs of your mind. Find the off switch. Become the air.
135. Purchase a motorboat and a rifle, become a coastline pirate.
136. Take a year out to travel the world. Realize that everything you've known and believed in is wrong and that, we, the human race as a collective, are the only true evil. Piety is a lie and it doesn't matter how you treat others, it doesn't matter that you don't eat meat, it doesn't matter that you are tolerant and it doesn't matter how active you are politically. The earth will be at peace when we have nuked ourselves off of its jaded, wrinkled face.

Retail Therapy


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