Saturday, 8 February 2014

Ask Nora #2

Ladies and Gentlemen, I invite you once again to pick the mind of one Nora Hanney. Renowned contortionist, alcoholics anonymous attendee and Satan worshiping drug-lord. Her mind, as stated previously, is a puzzle and a maze. An endless cavern of knowledge that, if shared wholly with any normal human being, would bring about a titanic madness and forlorn. Those of you with the heart to peek into her thoughts, go forward. Those of you who would suffer not the burden of her knowledge; shield your eyes.

~ Lee Lee Poo.


I have just unintentionally become something of agony aunt/shoulder to moan on. One person is going through some bad shit and another is drunk and wants to telephone me from some millions of miles away and tell me all the weird shit he's at right now, such as his legal troubles, addiction issues and all the bitches that be hasslin' him. I don't want to be an agony aunt (unless it's a euphemism for torturer) but all-of-a-suddenly I'm walking some crazy tightrope of other peoples bullshit and no matter if I get to the end of it or fall to one side I can, at best, satisfy one third of those involved. Have you any suggestions that might ease my worried mind?
-Choc ice

Dear Choc ice,

I wholeheartedly sympathise with your struggle. I too have been roped in to giving advice to the needy (I blame my plight on a small shyster currently frequenting a hovel in Maynooth, as well as my undeniable charm and sophistication that attracts the attentions of those looking to better themselves).
If the first of your friends is indeed dealing with “bad shit” then offer them a hand, or a leg, or whatever appendage/limb they need. As for your friend millions of miles away who you seem to be frustrated by, well clearly you should return the favour and see how he likes it. Ring him and demand he listen to your problems. Proceed to inform him (at length) how you have been arrested for smuggling in female Labradors that are addicted to valium, thus forcing him to put up with your issues regarding the law, bitches and addiction. Soon he will get the idea, or else stop calling. Either way, win/win.

Hopefully this has calmed your mind. If it has not, try Xanax.

Dear Nora,
My boomerang won't come back. Advice?
Bemused in Ballycastle

Dear Bemused in Ballycastle,

Have you tried turning it off and on again? It has been documented that when a boomerang goes beyond the registered terminal apex of its parabola, the lack of signal can cause the boomerang to become erratic or downright obstinate with the operator, resulting in it becoming unresponsive, rendering it little more than a non-rematerialising, lumber baton, or “stick”. The general solution for this common problem is one of two possibilities.

A) Hiring a trained canine specialist to retrieve the object
B) Getting a better hobby

I wish you all the best in your future wood flinging endeavors.

What in the actual fuck is going on here?

I would actually like an answer because right now I can’t stop staring at this eye-watering composition and I truly fear for my sanity.

When Steven Spielberg is asked how does he sleep at night, he produces that photo and smugly replies “Like this baby”.

How is a tapeworm removed? Do you poop it out? Or is it like the birth of a giraffe so that it just finds its way out of the Uterus. See I think I have one and it’s just below my belly button and at the pinnacle of the legs? My friends refer to it as a "Pen15" I think they're making fun of me though. Please help!

The only way to remove that particular type of tapeworm is to tuck it between your legs, sultrily apply lipstick, then dance to “Goodbye Horses” while preparing to make a coat out of human skin. For more information watch the informative documentary “Silence of the Lambs”.

Dear Sir/Madame

I am writing to ask for your educated advice on some unanswered questions that are currently affecting my quality of life.
1. Who would win in a fight, a vampire or a ghost?
2. How do I get this guy I like to ask me on a date?

3. Would you tell people if you laid an egg or would you be too embarrassed? And don't get cheeky with me; I'm not talking about those tiny bastards our ovaries are spitting out all the time.

Dear Sir/Madame,
First off, the Madame is fine. I like the sound of it. It gives the impression that I should be in France running a brothel. Don’t worry, all the girls will be regularly tested and treated with respect…unless they don’t bring in enough cash. Then there will be issues...Well that’s my retirement plan sorted. But I digress;

1. These seem pretty evenly matched, purely for their uselessness against each other. A vampire couldn’t hurt a non corporeal being, and a ghost couldn’t injure the vamp for the same reason. They’d be swiping at each other for hours with little result. It would be about as effective as a Helen Keller musical.

2. As someone who has never been on a date, I can only recommend things not to do, as I seem to be pretty stellar at scaring men off.
a. Don’t tell them you have a penis. You might find it hilarious, they tend not to.
b. Playful, gentle hitting is fine. Punching is apparently not.
c. Avoid calling them a fucking idiot. Even if they are being one. Actually, scratch that. If someone’s being a fucking idiot let them now in as many ways as possible. Just don’t expect dinner and a movie afterwards.

3. If the process was anything like those feisty, ovary based demons then it wouldn’t be a case of having to tell anyone, because everyone would know. You show me a girl who says she has never informed people that she’s on her period and in intense discomfort, pissed off and pretty sure her sexual organs are trying to chew their way out of her body and I’ll show you a liar. Hmm, this response applies equally to the “what not to do to get a date” section above.

In conclusion, fuck periods. That was your question, right?

Dear hey there.
I have a question.
They should totally bring back The Krypton Factor.

Hey there dear,
May I first congratulate you on your interpretation of what a question is. I was getting bored of the standard format, so this is a refreshing twist. Unfortunately The Krypton Factor got sued by Superman for unlawful use of his home planet’s name. Hang in there though; I hear they’re bringing out a remake called “The Gotham Aspect”. No chance of copyright issues there.

If you, the reader, are in need of  Nora Hanney's dark wisdom, then please send your questions to 

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