Movies; I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle, Double Trouble

I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle (1990)

Perhaps it's the Stella Artois, but I rarely ever use the word "delightful" to describe anything. It is certainly not my favourite adjective, and one that I avoid at all costs. However, it is the only word suitable enough to describe I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle. This movie was nothing short of delightful, and by that I mean; it ticked all of the relevant boxes one might prescribe a horror film, and indeed, a comedy film as well. When I decided to give it a spin, I had expected nothing more than a cheap as chips bloodsucker riding the coattails of a Hammer productions that had long ago waltzed into the grave. Thankfully, I was very, very wrong. I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle is the very definition of a hidden gem, a movie so hilarious and needlessly violent that it's almost a travesty that its name isn't mentioned alongside Peter Jackson's Dead Alive or more recently the likes of Shaun of the Dead and Dead Snow.

The story follows our hero (?), Noddy, and company, as they are terrorized by a motorcycle they bought to fix up and sell on. Unfortunately for the gang, and fortunately for us, the motorcycle they picked up just so happens to be corrupted by the spirit of a demonic entity summoned up by a vengeful occultist, who was murdered in cold-blood by a motorcycle gang during his final ritual. So to say that Noddy and the gang picked the wrong fucking machine to tamper with is an understatement, and to come across the only motorcycle in Birmingham stricken with vampirism is both unfortunate and acutely hilarious.

I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle may have been a once-off for writer Mycal Miller (though co-writer John Wolskel is a legend from the gore-soaked late 80s anime scene) and director Dirk Campbell may have gone on to write Winnie The Pooh stories, but this film alone is a large enough feather to stick in their caps, from a comedy horror perspective. It isn't exactly Stitches (2012), but I will say without a doubt that I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle is most certainly worthy of your eyes if you're a fan of blood-spattered comedy. It has all the wit of Only Fools And Horses... and all the murderous intent of an early Peter Jackson flick, trust me, you won't regret this one. Maybe you will. Fuck off and watch the film.

Double Trouble (1992)

So I won't shit with you, by this point in the night, I was a goner. I was pretty liquored up and perhaps that's why this movie seemed like a great idea, and it is most definitely the reason I can hardly remember a thing about it. I remember Peter Paul wearing a fucking belly top, even though he's supposed to be the straight-laced of the duo, whereas David Paul (the cheeky fucker) wears a sharp suit for most of the flick. I'm not sure if their choice in attire is supposed to represent some kind of spirit of ironic humour, because I don't remember there being much wit to this film, so it's hard to tell. Maybe it doesn't matter, I dunno, I was at the "you should call her now" stage of drunk. This is definitely going to be the laziest and haziest review I've ever written.

So, the IMDB synopsis for the film is "Muscle-bound twins try to smash a jewel smuggling ring". I do remember a lot of shooting, a lot of blood, and I'm pretty sure there was some kind of corruption in the police force. It's a late 80s/early 90s buddy action flick, don't make me work so hard here.

I think the only good thing that came from this movie was that I decided not to drunk-dial anyone by the end of it. I'm sorry, I really can't tell if the movie was awesome or I was just hammered. Either way, ten out of ten stars, or whatever. Watch it yourself, you tell me what it's like.