A Brief Guide to RTÉ One Programming

For those of you that do not have access to or have never tuned in to RTÉ One, whether due to television license disputes, hardcore prison time, impaired visual and hearing ability, are under the age of fifty-five, or are currently residing inside a kinetic force field, I'd like to give you a quick run down on the kind of disturbing, sexually aggressive, pornographic content that the channel presents on a daily basis. 

Of course, I'm being facetious here, as usual. RTÉ One is basically a caricature of Irish culture. Whereas RTÉ Two allows us to escape into some kind of Westernized fantasy, RTÉ One holds up a fun house mirror in front of its audience and lets the paranoia set in. Do we really look like that? Are we really that pathetic? Are we really that needlessly jovial? Is this Ireland? 

My answers is; you shouldn't give a fuck about any of those things. Possessive culture is a safety blanket for boring people, and that's just what RTÉ One is...boring. Boring as a live stream of a lamb in a slow cooker, which actually sounds like something RTÉ One would air. Now I know, naturally, that tastes vary from person to person, but would it kill the RTÉ execs to throw on Bumfights or Sexcetera between their usual programming of traditional Irish cooking shows or the live stream of Sunday mass? That's the future I want for my children, but in the meantime, here's what you can expect from the channel as is;

The Angelus

Synopsis

Pious children of God stare mournfully towards the sky as a church bell tolls and reminds them of the fragility of life, the way in which they should lead their lives, and the dangers of speaking to or befriending sewer-dwelling protestant vampires.

Primetime

Synopsis

Old people discuss current events and the winner of the show is the contestant that has collected the most feces on their bib. Subjects often include; violence in the streets that rarely occur, teenagers and ten reasons why they should all be sent to prison, political events that no one really understands, pessimistic babble, what the average Joe should and shouldn't be allowed to do, and compulsive liars trying to plug their political parties. 

Nationwide

Synopsis

Journalists travel all around Ireland collecting stories of interest, usually regarding the "Feel good" or the "Uh-oh, recession". On one hand you've got a baby calf being born on a small farm in Kerry and on the other you've got Anto, the smack-addicted hurling enthusiast who hates Joan Burton, but isn't really quite sure why. I'm not sure why any of us hate Joan Burton. There's just something there.

The Big Big Movie

Synopsis

Movies about stupid fucking talking animals and wise-cracking teenagers with magical powers for the 3-12 year old audience, because if they don't get their weekly Big Big Movie; they'll grow up to become the anti-social, alcoholic scumbags featured on Primetime. Be wary, if your kid doesn't have its Pixar movie after Sunday mass, they'll turn into hopeless addicts, snorting krokodil off of ouija boards and holding ritualistic vomit parties.

Fair City

Synopsis

The worst actors and writers in the world assemble together to put on about 23 minutes worth of shite based in a Dublin where all teenagers are annoying criminals, everyone seems to be either fucking each other or not fucking at all, and betrayal lurks in every corner. It sounds like every other soap opera on television really, except at least there's violence in Hollyoaks.