A lot of people have trouble divorcing reality from fiction and because of this the tongue-in-cheek and often subversive nature of certain musicians goes over their heads. They're the types who say "How can you honestly listen to that? They advocate rape and cannibalism! You pig!" and turn their noses up at anything that deviates even slightly from uniform political correctness. If they had it their way, you and I would be sent to Die Gaskammer. Essentially what I'm saying is; there's a lot of folk out there who like it safe and there's a lot of folk out there who don't. This leads to Internet chat room bitch fights, holier-than-thouery, and a whole lot of people who have completely forgotten what art can do. They've simply forgotten that the lyrics you wrote while stupidly drunk at band practice don't naturally have to represent your real life world view.
Ian Watkins did sing "Rooftops", afterall.
I suggest that, in order to combat this problem, bands should write two sets of song lyrics. One set of lyrics would be up to the band's creativity and depravity, while the other set of lyrics would be plain, bland, colourless, safe and adapted for mothers, school authorities and Indie fans. Allow me to further illustrate this new and revolutionary idea using some of the more "offensive" song lyrics I've come to know:
The Mentors - Sex Education
Hey there young sweet little girl,
I´ll teach ya how to fuck
Adapted:
Hey there sweet consenting adult,
I'd like to teach you how to make love
(if you'll let me)
****
GG Allin - Son Of Evil
Laying on the floor in a pool of blood and cum,
My demons lay beside as I kiss them one by one
Adapted:
Laying on the floor, you're helping with my sums,
laying right beside me, our love is one plus one
****
The Dwarves - Free Cocaine
Gimme the things that drive me insane,
Teenage women and free cocaine
Adapted:
Gimme the things that I enjoy in moderation,
friends, writing music and playing playstation
****
Cock and Ball Torture - King Anus III
He started hammering his prick into her ,
He shoots his spunk over her rear
Adapted:
He started feeling feelings for her,
He only wishes to be near
****
Turbonegro - Denim Demon
I am a denim demon,
You've got my penis steaming ,
And your asshole screaming : HELP!
Adapted:
I am denim dreamin',
You've got my heart a-beatin',
And your love's not ceasing : YEAH, YEAH! (Clap, clap)
****
Mayhem - Life Eternal
What you found was eternal death
No one will ever miss you
Adapted:
Lights will guide you home,
And ignite your bones,
And I will try to fix you*
****
Electric Wizard - Satanic Rites of Drugula
Your naked body dragged back to my darkened crypt
I tie you up, dope you up, then your blood I sip
Adapted:
I'm so glad you're coming back to my houseboat,
We start to dine, pour some wine, then I write you a love note
****
Weedeater - God Luck and Good Speed
Mankind is unkind, man,
God luck and good speed
Adapted:
Mankind is real kind, man,
Good luck and God speed.
****
Brianbombs - Slutmaster
I am a sick fuck,
I kill for pleasure
Adapted:
I'm a young buck,
I golf for pleasure
(He golfs for plea-sure)
****
Noothgrush - Oil Removed
(Spoken)
Our civilization's unrelenting reliance on fossil fuels is widely understood as a path to global tragedy. As finite resources dwindle, the human recognized the folly of mass consumption.
Adapted:
(Spoken)
Hey guys! Our album has just been released on iTunes and you can download it for a 20% discount through the link below! Thanks SO much for everything you do, we couldn't do it without you! Metal brotherhood for life!
****
Putrid Pile - Face-Pounding Madness
I bite random holes in your neck
face, and breasts and swallow the flesh
Adapted:
I want to give you a little peck,
cheeks and hand, I won't pressure you for sex
****
Gang Green - Alcohol
You've got the beer we've got the time
You've got the coke gimme a line
Adapted:
Never you fear, never you cry,
You've always got a friend, just drop me a line
****
Earth - High Command
Shot cocaine with Hermann Göring,
now I wish I was dead
Adapted:
I'm no friend of Hermann Göring's,
I read in a history book that he was bad.
****
Anal Cunt - I Like Drugs and Child Abuse
I smoke lots of crack and my girlfriend has a kid,
I like drugs and child abuse,
When she’s in the bathroom, I kick him in the balls,
I like drugs and child abuse
Adapted:
*Instrumental*
****
Darkthrone - Shut up
Shut up, fucking TWAT!
Adapted:
Leave me alone, I'm really SAD!
****
 |
| Seth Putnam of Anal Cunt scratching his arm as a young woman is shocked to find someone has been messing with her Marshall stack. |
* Clearly Coldplay lyrics.
No comments:
Post a Comment