"A Portal of Enveloping Darkness"; An Interview with Bobby Harnett

If you look up Bobby Harnett in the dictionary you will probably find nothing. If you look up Bobby Harnett in an encyclopedia you will probably find nothing. Though if you search tirelessly through newspaper archives and libraries, you will probably find cryptic messages suggesting a Bobby Harnett walks among us. He is my friend, he is the Road Warrior Hawk to my Road Warrior Animal. He is also a hive of insight, one of the great thinkers of our time. Here he is, in all of his uncensored glory.

What did you eat today?

Pizza. It was pizza. And I ate it.

Was it a tasty pizza?

Define pizza.

Something that's nothing like a pie, but is actually a pie, is covered in cheese at the very least and owes its origin to Italy. Who is your favourite Italian?

Roberto Baggio? Either way, I had been hungered and afterwise I weren't.

What's your favourite colour?

Morons. Shaded of course.

Can you get a pair of jeans in morons?

I can get you a pair in TK Morons if that's what you want... I didn't realise this interview would be about clothing.

So, what do you think of the football game that happened?

It was great/good/bad.

That player that scored the goal, do you like him?

He has a face. I think that is important for a person.

Do you believe in God?

No. I believe in the other lad. He's on the telly. I can't think of his name.

Is he a goodie or a baddie?

Noel Edmonds.... Is he a thing?

Is he the lad who couldn't stop drinking?

He seems like a baddie. A greedy type. Is that a loaded qweshiuoon?

I actually don't know. If Vince Neil got into a fight with himself, who would cry first?

You.

Would you jump in for me?

*Silence*

You must be really considering this question. You'd leave me to get beaten up by Vince Neil and the baddies?

Why would I jump in for you in a Vince Neil vs. Vince Neil fight? You're not in that altercation. In all likelihood I would steer you away from that stupid fight. If however you were in an actual physical "whing-dang-doodle" I'd step in even if I believed you were in the wrong.

That's the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me. You're in bands and they are good. If you had to describe your bands to people who can't hear and also have a violent neck spasm, how would you describe them?

I'd describe Blazin 38s as "odious, sweaty cat-puke". Trails would be "oppressive, meandering bullshit".

When did you realize you wanted to do music with your hands and feets?

Thursday.

What's a T-Rex's favourite number?

Knor.

Actually it's "ate", but you've opened up a whole new window of thought with that one. When did you buy the cowboy hat?

Years ago. I'm not 'sure' sure so I reckon it was nineteen forty thousand.

Why doesn't she love me back?

She does love your back.

If you had to take two things to a desert island, what would you take?

You and me.

That made my heart warm. Where do you live?

I live in (like all the cool people) my parent's house.

Because DNA is so intelligently designed, do you think that we were made by space aliens? If so, what do they look like?

*Sends me a very long HTML code. When followed it leads to an image of a woman called Gabrielle with an eye patch on. When he doesn't need to use words, Bobby will illustrate.*

In conclusion, is there anything you'd like to say to the fans at home?

Hello etc.