Why They'll Never Find Bigfoot.

In 1951, a British mountaineer by the name of Eric Shipton took a photograph of what he, and many others, believed to be a footprint belonging to the Yeti, or The Abominable Snowman. In the years following Shipton's discovery prompted a newly found global interest in the folkloric tales of forest-dwelling hominid monstrosities, and with this popular consciousness, the wheels of fate began to creak slowly into motion. 

With the discovery of another footprint in 1958, this time in Del Norte County, California, came an excavation into the depths of American superstition that would see the popularization of the forest "wild man" from colonial tales, though he would reemerge into the American heart and mind as "Bigfoot". Never one to pass up an opportunity to monetize, the USA turned Bigfoot into a penny-rolling sensation, one that would send mountain gear, hunting rifle, and camera sales into the fucking exosphere. Whether they were rooting for Bigfoot with their t-shirts and coffee cups, or actively seeking to destroy the beast, people were spending lots and lots of money, and people were making lots and lots of money.

The efforts to find Bigfoot were great and were exemplified by the upsurge in those devoting their lives to the study of cryptids. Cherry-cheeked goatees with arses numb from bar stools would stand before cameras and claim they'd found the ape, but rarely could any offer the kind of evidence as startling as The Patterson Film from 1967 (pictured above). 

However, Robert Patterson and Robert Gimlin captured more than an image of the beast that day, they captured the attention of the beast itself. 

It has been decades since the first Bigfoot print was discovered by sun-beaten labourers in California that day, so why has it taken so long for any hard evidence of Bigfoot's existence to reach the surface? Why is it that the American military can riddle foreign dictators and terrorist leaders with bullets, but they cannot locate a giant ape-man inhabiting their own forests? Why do so many of those who have dedicated their lives to pursuing Bigfoot manage to remain strides behind the beast? Perhaps because the distance between them is not an unfortunate one, but a useful one.

The pursuit of Bigfoot is a hoax spun in order to create profit for con-men, the American outdoors and tourist industry in general...

...and Bigfoot itself.

What you have to recognize here is that Bigfoot holds the cards in this situation, it rolls the nickels. For as long as Bigfoot remains in our minds but just out of reach, the money will keep circulating, tourism will keep steady, niche business will flourish, and Bigfoot itself will be kept with an abundance of its most cherished things, vodka and printed pornography. As long as this arrangement is honoured, the poachers keeping their distance and the beast remaining just out of sight of the rest, the American dream can be pursued freely by all involved in the hideous treachery. 

So next time you see some cute Bigfoot plush-doll or t-shirt and ask yourself the great consumerist question, I'd like you to first ask where the money is going. Ask yourself what role your money will play in the funding of rifle-touting American politics and the ever advancing and stomach churning porn addiction of an anthropomorphous ape demon.

Only you can break the chain.