Whenever Autumn arrives, its dark amber arms are always brimming with gifts. It brings with it the crackling of late leaves underfoot, an early rest for the weary sun, an early rise for the harvest moon, a grin for a pumpkin, a bin bag for a costume, and that oh so cherished night of convulsive debauchery. Autumn never arrives with both arms swinging the same length and it truly is the unsung hero of our calendar year, it is an old friend that we've shamelessly begun to take for granted. Why must we expend ourselves so much on Winter when Autumn is the first to fall with its song of whistling wind and dance of fluttering leaves?
Of course, you would be able to relate to this kind of seasonal romanticism if you could feel anything other than violent contempt for all things living and breathing.
Let's not beat around the proverbial bush any longer, you and I both know why you really like Autumn, and it has nothing to do with the Instagram accounts blushing with festive photography. You like Autumn because it brings Halloween night, a night where you can blend in with all the other colours of horror, though yours is a very real one, and masturbate wildly every one of your wicked, snarling fantasies. There is nothing behind your eyes, but on this night of all nights, no one will notice.
However, just at the wolf cannot relate to the sheep, you still have great difficulty deciding on a costume that will allow you to mingle seamlessly with these people, and ultimately serve your nefarious game. Worry not though, I'm here to offer you up some ideas, not because I am canned sadism like you, but because I do these things in the interest of fairness.
1. SEXY EBOLA ONESIE (To fit in with the crowd)
What you'll need: Some kind of onesie, a scissors, and a black marker.
The aim of this costume is to show people how 'topical' you are, but also how aloof you are with regards to putting together a costume. I suspect that every second person at the coming Halloween parties will be dressed as some variation on the Ebola virus, so this may be the frock for you if maximum inconspicuousness is on the menu. Grab a onesie, cut it up so you're showing some skin, then write "EBOLA" on your arse with a black marker. The college crowd with eat it up.
2. VAMPIRE JUNKIE CHIC (To look sexy)
Looking like shit never goes out of fashion, and the shittier you look, the better your chances are of having your pick of the sexual litter. Now when I say you need to look like shit, I mean you have to get inventive, because no matter how cadaverous you look, there'll always be someone at the party who looks more down in the dumps than you do. You'll have The Crow and at least fifty Jokers to compete with, so lash on that white makeup and pretend you can still produce tears.
3. BOO BOO THE BEAR! (To look innocent)
What you'll need: A bear costume, blue bow tie, pic-a-nic basket (optional)
You aren't really sure what constitutes as 'cute' because you've never looked at something before and thought, 'ah yes, I like that. That's a pleasant thing', so this one is really a dark horse. Though, rest assured, if this one doesn't have them rubbing you, it will at least earn you their trust because everyone likes old cartoons. Especially drunk people.
4. A CLOWN! (To get some laughs?)
Again, because you lack emotions and are little more than a marionette of humanity concealing a murderous beast, you aren't quite sure what people find funny or amusing. Your best bet is to throw a clown suit on and hope that the few details you learned about society from the children's colouring book were true. If the packed house full of twenty-somethings don't find you funny, they'll at least find you absolutely terrifying, which brings me to...
5. YOURSELF (To inspire real fear)
What you'll need: A lifetime of malice and perversion.
This is where you'll truly shine, if this is the course you wish to take. That's the beauty of Halloween night, you can leave your house as you would any other night, those cold eyes framed by a deadpan face, wearing your pocket protector like a badge of honour, and people will just assume you're dressed up and in character. There's very little work to be done here, in fact, you're already pretty much ready to go.
Happy hunting!
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