It's Halloween Time, Savour It.

Guess which one isn't a sailor.

The pagans were kooky, sun-worshiping assholes, and we have them to thank for the only night of the calendar year in which we can dress up as Wheelchair Spiderman, drink a litre of Buckfast, and proceed to categorically upset everyone in the room with our excessive howling and slobbering pleas for help. It's just not Halloween unless you're staring at your own horribly contorted face in a cloudy bathroom mirror and making the false promise that you'll do no more harm to your body and that you'll try to engage in reasonable and healthy conversation with the other party guests. Halloween is about grievous, beslubbering strangeness from the very gut of hell, and if you aren't a participant and victim, you're just a yawning space-wastrel collecting dust on the shelf.

Unfortunately, we live in an emulator society that prefers to 'laugh at' than 'laugh with', and because of this you sometimes see people restraining themselves for fear of evoking the duck-billed slaggings of LADBible clerics and flaky ecstasy dealers in cute Tony the Tiger onesies. Admittedly, I have been quite conservative with my costumes for the past few years, choosing style and comfort over ingenuity, but I have certainly made up for this fuddy-duddery by bringing great dishonour to my barley-cleaving ancestors. It may not be the sexiest of undertakings, but I believe that it is our responsibility to justify the day we began to crawl on our bellies from the life-giving soup to solid ground. We do this by making absolute demons of ourselves on the 31st of October, college student dickheads be damned.

It's understandable that this world view isn't shared by everyone and contains a large trace of the brand of nihilism recognizable only to those who have drank vodka and soy sauce, but it's one night a year, damn it, set fire to the temple of you body and masturbate on the debris. You owe it to yourself.

You are bombarded with new and interesting social constraints every single day of the year. Do's and don'ts that you've never entirely been guilty of, but people are never late to remind you of your inherited debt to society. You're a woman, and one half of the population is telling you that your sexy bumblebee outfit is oppressive while the other half calls you a dirty slut. You know what? You're a full grown fucking woman and can wear whatever you want without feeling as though you're violating some kind of bogus moral code set by people who know nothing of craic. Go into the night, libertine bumblebee, and harvest that sweet, ambrosial funhoney.

I'm not encouraging you to go out on a killing-spree just because it's the one night of year, and I'm definitely not encouraging you to do harm to anyone for the same reason. You have but one responsibility as a human being, and that's to make sure that your fellow human is not in danger. Sure, people's feelings might be hurt because you chose to dress as the ghost of Lou Reed, but something that people have forgotten in the age of the internet is that you aren't responsible for how they feel about something, and they are more than entitled to steer clear of you and your abominable sense of humor. If they are occupied with the social consequences of your attire, they've already made the transition into jaded adulthood. They won't understand you and that's okay. I walked into the wrong house party dressed as Hitler one year, if you're going to roll, you'd better expect to take some bumps.

So, do whatever you feel like doing and be whoever it is you want to be on Halloween night. Even if you're going out without some sense of community, if you're the only one wearing a box over your torso with the words "Shitbot" scrawled on it, just go. Halloween may not rank very high on the year's corporate marketing agenda anymore, but that's a good thing, it means that the holiday is yours again. Get weird. 

Halloween Costume Ideas For The Leering Sociopath.

Whenever Autumn arrives, its dark amber arms are always brimming with gifts. It brings with it the crackling of late leaves underfoot, an early rest for the weary sun, an early rise for the harvest moon, a grin for a pumpkin, a bin bag for a costume, and that oh so cherished night of convulsive debauchery. Autumn never arrives with both arms swinging the same length and it truly is the unsung hero of our calendar year, it is an old friend that we've shamelessly begun to take for granted. Why must we expend ourselves so much on Winter when Autumn is the first to fall with its song of whistling wind and dance of fluttering leaves?

Of course, you would be able to relate to this kind of seasonal romanticism if you could feel anything other than violent contempt for all things living and breathing.

Let's not beat around the proverbial bush any longer, you and I both know why you really like Autumn, and it has nothing to do with the Instagram accounts blushing with festive photography. You like Autumn because it brings Halloween night, a night where you can blend in with all the other colours of horror, though yours is a very real one, and masturbate wildly every one of your wicked, snarling fantasies. There is nothing behind your eyes, but on this night of all nights, no one will notice.

However, just at the wolf cannot relate to the sheep, you still have great difficulty deciding on a costume that will allow you to mingle seamlessly with these people, and ultimately serve your nefarious game. Worry not though, I'm here to offer you up some ideas, not because I am canned sadism like you, but because I do these things in the interest of fairness.


1. SEXY EBOLA ONESIE (To fit in with the crowd)

What you'll need: Some kind of onesie, a scissors, and a black marker.

The aim of this costume is to show people how 'topical' you are, but also how aloof you are with regards to putting together a costume. I suspect that every second person at the coming Halloween parties will be dressed as some variation on the Ebola virus, so this may be the frock for you if maximum inconspicuousness is on the menu. Grab a onesie, cut it up so you're showing some skin, then write "EBOLA" on your arse with a black marker. The college crowd with eat it up.

2. VAMPIRE JUNKIE CHIC (To look sexy)

What you'll need: A lot of black, some white makeup, a look of utter despair.

Looking like shit never goes out of fashion, and the shittier you look, the better your chances are of having your pick of the sexual litter. Now when I say you need to look like shit, I mean you have to get inventive, because no matter how cadaverous you look, there'll always be someone at the party who looks more down in the dumps than you do. You'll have The Crow and at least fifty Jokers to compete with, so lash on that white makeup and pretend you can still produce tears.

3. BOO BOO THE BEAR! (To look innocent)

What you'll need: A bear costume, blue bow tie, pic-a-nic basket (optional)

You aren't really sure what constitutes as 'cute' because you've never looked at something before and thought, 'ah yes, I like that. That's a pleasant thing', so this one is really a dark horse. Though, rest assured, if this one doesn't have them rubbing you, it will at least earn you their trust because everyone likes old cartoons. Especially drunk people.

4. A CLOWN! (To get some laughs?)

What you'll need: Money. This costume is readily available in every shop window ever.

Again, because you lack emotions and are little more than a marionette of humanity concealing a murderous beast, you aren't quite sure what people find funny or amusing. Your best bet is to throw a clown suit on and hope that the few details you learned about society from the children's colouring book were true. If the packed house full of twenty-somethings don't find you funny, they'll at least find you absolutely terrifying, which brings me to...

5. YOURSELF (To inspire real fear)

What you'll need: A lifetime of malice and perversion.

This is where you'll truly shine, if this is the course you wish to take. That's the beauty of Halloween night, you can leave your house as you would any other night, those cold eyes framed by a deadpan face, wearing your pocket protector like a badge of honour, and people will just assume you're dressed up and in character. There's very little work to be done here, in fact, you're already pretty much ready to go.

Happy hunting!