Sunday the Sludge Way! (Easter Sludgeday)

 Buzzoven - Mainline

...I certainly hope so.

Ever get tired of the same old thing every Sunday? It's the purgatory of the weekend. It's a day off, but you can't do whatever you want because you've work the next day. There's no safety net after Sunday because Sunday is the safety net of the rest of the weekend. So what do we do with it? Usually we just use it to lay around, have a fry-up perhaps, take in a good mass, but doesn't it all just become so repetitive? Sure, you do the same things on Saturday that you do every other Saturday, you drink, you vomit, you drink some more, you fall asleep. But at least Saturday has a pair of balls. A handsome pair of balls. Balls full of magma. Sunday has no such balls, so how can we give it the kick up the arse it needs? Allow me to enlighten you, friends. Here are some alternatives to your end of week ritual. This is how to spend Sunday, the Sludge way.

MAKING CAKES

Alternative:

Turn your kitchen into a meth lab. You aren't a child anymore for fuck sake. Stop licking the spoon, start bending it.

WATCHING THE HURLING

Alternative:

You're not watching to enjoy, you're watching out of irony. Irony is the only thing that makes sense to you. 'Oh, look, he did a thing with the hurl. Great' you drawl, chewing on your couch.

SPENDING THE DAY WITH FAMILY

Alternative:

You don't have a family because you never let anyone in. You will never know the happiness of all those stock photography models. They probably aren't even real families and they're still closer than you ever will be with anyone.

EATING ICE CREAM

Alternative:

1. Drink a litre of gin.

2. Cry, for you know what is to come.

3. Sprint to your local playground.

4. Pick weakest looking kid.

5. Beat the fuck out of the kid.

WALK THE DOG

Alternative:

You aren't capable of love and even a dog won't warm to you.

CUDDLE IN BED

Alternative:

Cry.

GOING TO MASS

Alternative:

Go to mass, start chewing all of the communion wafers and masturbating at the altar. You'll be removed by force, probably arrested, but you'll probably only make the local newspaper.  This is probably the only claim to fame you will ever experience, you'd better hurry. Extra points for discharging into the collection box.