Now That's What I Call Wasted (Mix Tape)

LISTEN

Tracklist

I. It begins

Abigail - War 666

Vomitor - Midnight Madness

Darkthrone - Those Treasures Will Never Befall You

II. The Shreddening

Speedealer - Schlitterbahn

Zeke - Evil Dead

Dwarves - Drug Store

Gang Green - Alcohol

Hookers - Baby, You'll Regret Me

Barbatos - Satanik Beer

III. Punching The Air

Znöwhite - War Machine

Tankard - Schwarz Weiß Wie Schnee

Bulldozer - Whiskey Time

Motörhead - I'll Be Your Sister

Exciter - Heavy Metal Maniac

Overkill - Rotten To The Core

Slayer - In A Gadda Da Vida

Sacrilege - At Death's Door

Kreator - Phobia

IV. I Forgot The Lyrics

Ozzy Osbourne - Bark At The Moon

Abigail - War 66 (Played again because you forgot the first time.)

AC/DC - Hight Voltage

Judas Priest - You've Got Another Thing Coming

V. Drunk Dialing

REO Speedwagon - Keep On Loving You

Meatloaf - Two Out Of Three Ain't Bad

ABOUT

The following mix tape is based on a sonic atmosphere theory that I've been developing since opening my first can at 15 years old. Be it the humble house party or giant, shimmering music festival, the mood, music, and alcohol consumption frequency of an event all play a huge and communal role in giving character to the occasion. However, it isn't enough to simply throw on the crowd pleasers and headbangers in order to sway the drunken hordes, because there is a symmetry to the shittery that no one talks about. Just as there are tiers of drunken perception, so too is there a system of mandatory sounds to accompany each tier. I call this (in honour of The Cure and the many drunken tears that have been shed to their music over the last 30 + years) Disintegration theory.

The 'disintegration' in disintegration theory refers to the gradual softening or lessening of sonic density in a playlist. Just as our sensory perception disintegrates with the alcohol we consume, so should the music we listen to, in order to accommodate our poo brains. Rarely has the drunken polarity between aggression and sentimentality been expressed in a playlist the way it has been in NTWICW, and that is exactly what was taken into consideration when meticulously Frankensteining this mix tape together. Allow me to further illustrate the system at hand:

I. It Begins

The onset. The first cans cracked. Excitement tinged with aggression must be exemplified in these first tracks. The merciless attack of thrashing Black Metal is absolutely paramount here.

II. The Shreddening

Excitement building, blood rushing to everywhere but the brain. Depending on your poison, the drink may be taking hold even at this early stage. Dirty Hardcore Punk and Thrash is necessary in order to rouse the subjects. This is where the slight change in tone begins as well.

III. Punching The Air

The drink begins to take hold, senses depleting slightly, the only sane thing for this atmosphere is a change in excited Hardcore Punk to the somewhat campier Thrash that naturally occurs in the drunken cycle. Tempo has slowed slightly, allowing for a more relaxed kind of debauchery. Fists punch the air, heads bang knowingly, these are perhaps the last few moments of prudence you will know tonight.

IV. I Forgot The Lyrics

The classics, the crowd pleasers, the tracks you'd never normally listen to on a sober night, but have now become absolute staples of your wasted experience. You will notice that a track has been repeated here, in the case of this mix tape, Abigail's "War 666", this is intentional, a simulation of intoxicated repetition. The track you forgot had already been played long ago. This is the time to sing those recognizable tunes and take those unavoidable steps toward oblivion.

V. Drunk Dialing

A massive change in tone that you were doubtlessly unaware of. This is the stage where the drink has reduced you from excited aggressor to sentimental baby child. You will probably remember your ex-partner at this point, maybe you'll feel like telling you best friend how much you love them. Either way, this is where the music must take on something of a romantic and calming shape. This is when you'd best keep your phone switched off. 

Shameless Heavy Metal Album Covers

Hyperbole is one of the most important pillars supporting heavy metal. While other musicians might ask, 'is this too much?', the metal head will cry 'MORE! I NEED MORE!'. There is no room for ethics in the slaughter house.

The metal head is ultimately gluttonous and unashamed, drawing sword-wielding cocks on horseback, impaling its enemies on a battlefield deranged with shredded corpses. Heavy metal was created as an antidote to moderation, and it has served this purpose for forty long years. Heavy metal demands only two things: the cocaine and the stage. Everything else is filler.

Such senseless debauchery has been known to seep into all that lives outside the heavy metal membrane, however, and evidence of its absurdity is clearly seen in the artwork that it uses to market itself. Heavy metal knows no shame. If it even knew what "so bad it's good" implied, it would probably try to repeat the words with its own slobbering mouth, fail over and over again, then break a window in frustration and continue on its drunken tirade. 

Artwork has always been of particular importance to the heavy metal band, and because most heavy metal bands are unhinged dope fiends, the artwork they employ is often crude, loopy, and ridiculous beyond all reason. If you aren't entirely convinced, let's have a looksie.

Attacker - Battle At Helms Deep (1985)

The musclebound hero of this image looks as though he's just realized what a huge mistake it was to enter the lair of the goblin wizard. He wasn't expecting security to come in the form of a giant green spider dragon. He's got a look on his face as if to say "What have I done?".

 Betrayer F.T.M. - No Life TIll Fury (2010)

This would actually be considered really, really tame by death metal standards. I just love the fact that the band must have asked to be included in the artwork, eating steak and popcorn while the surgeon is strangled to death by an octobaby.

 Skull Fist - Heavier Than Metal (2010)

This would be a fantastic idea for an Adult Swim cartoon.

 Em Ruinas - ...from the Spped Metal Graves (2010)

I really hope this isn't supposed to be brooding and sullen. Due to the awful shading and contrast, it just looks like a flying torso grabbing a ball of lightning. 

 Annihilator - Refresh the Demon (1996)

Chris Farley as Satan.

 Grave Digger - Tunes Of War (1996)

I've seen covers with skeletons playing flutes, guitars, keyboards, drums, but I've never seen on playing the bagpipes. Was the kilt really necessary as well?

 Helloween - The Best, The Rest, The Rare (1991)

Helloween once again taking the pumpkin thing way too far...

 Helloween - Pink Bubbles Go Ape (1991)

...and when they aren't, they're pulling shit like this. I have no idea what's supposed to be happening here, but I can't help but imagine some greasy teenager handing this record over the till and instantly stuttering up an explanation as to why it's not weird porn.

 Cobra - Grito en el Abismo (2010)

This works on paper. The concept is tried and tested, but everything about it screams straight-to-DVD 00's action flick. 

 Living Death - Metal Revolution (1985)

Walrus demon.

 Sofisticator - Camping The Vein (2012)

So, the boys from Sofisticator (Jesus Christ) are drinking "killer beer", eating a midget, fending off the living dead, and taking a moment to shred. Right on.

 Cranium - Speed Metal Slaughter (1998)

This is a horrible way to attract women. It looks like Cranium and their chainsaw-wielding zombie cohort have invaded a disco and taken population control into their own hands.

Sabbat - Geionslaught 1986 (2006)

Sabbat are not known clothes wearers. Also, check out the guy at the bottom right corner. He knows.

Dr. Mastermind - Sin Sandwich (2005)

She appears to be rubbing lettuce, maybe celery, on her lady parts. She's also engulfed in flames. I don't know what she's getting out of this, but it looks like it's her thing.

Tokyo Blade - Mr. Ice (1998)

It's just fucking horrible. Fuck you, Tokyo Blade, for making me look at this.

Grim Reaper - Fear No Evil (1985)

The Grim Reaper has destroyed yet another priceless Picasso work with his motorcycle. What a cunt.

Rick James - Throwin' Down (1982)

This isn't even a metal record, but Rick James gets it.

Anvil - Plenty Of Power (2001)

I could have picked any Anvil cover art here, but this one is just particularly disturbing. The colours are actually offensive to the eyes.

Metalucifer - Heavy Metal Chainsaw (2001)

Probably my favourite of the lot. There's absolutely no need for it at all. He's definitely been drinking as well.

Agent Steel - Order Of The Illuminati (2003)

Martians getting in some practice before the charity run. I don't know who gave the green light to this cover, but I imagine they were really into the idea of it. The artist must have some kind of explanation for this. 

Witch Cross - Fit For Fight (1984)

Nudity: check. Steel: check. Demonic bat monster: check. 'Witch' in the band name: check. Heavy metal standard.

Unicorn - The Legend Returns (1987)

You called your band Unicorn and you put a unicorn on your cover art. You fucking pansies. 

Mass - Swiss Connection (1981)

A giant and probably autonomous guitar cracks through the side of a mountain and you just sort of stand there with your mouth agape. I'd fucking run. If guitars are anything like guitarists, it'll want to talk about itself.

Virgin Steele - Noble Savage (1985)

Let's get the skinniest guy ever to be our barbarian.

Bitches Sin - Invader (1986)

I don't know what's worse, the fact that they crossed Edvard Munch with aliens, or the fact that said 'invader' is actually being chased by Victorian weasel men.

Attila - Rolling Thunder (1986)

This is here for the same reason the last Anvil one is and then some. What is going on? Why is the rocket there? Why is so much happening at once? How do you get into this much trouble?

Piledriver - Metal Inquisition (1984)

He's using his guitar as a jack hammer to drill a hole in a man's head. Piledriver.

The Exalted Piledriver - Metal Manifesto (2008)

With a slight name change and new music over 20 years later, The Exalted Piledriver returned to reclaim their place at the top of album artwork kitsch. 

Dogs With Jobs - Shock (1990)

I actually really like this one.

Racer X - Superheroes (2000)

I really don't like this one. Then again, how much can you expect of a band that thought "Hey, let's name our band after a character from an ancient Japanese anime show".

****

The Best Kinds Of Baby To Adopt And How To Eat Them.

Life is an underhanded bitch. So much so that it keeps certain harsh realities obscured, only to reveal them to you as you stand trembling at the end of its diving board. One of these grim and sobering facts of existence is that your future partner may want you to use your sexual apparatus for procreation, as opposed to merely slapping it about wildly in a room of tin foil to the forensic pathology grooves of Kraftwerk. Indeed, according to certain "experts", I've learned that I may one day have to create a crude copy of myself and entertain the idea of a family for long enough so that I don't have to be buried in a pauper's grave.

I've always enjoyed my own company, but then again I was lucky to have turned out to be the fun guy I am now. However, the idea of drinking cans of Hackenberg and dancing to New Order alone in my room at the age of 30 is pretty bleak, so I know that one day I will have to try to keep someone entertained for longer than a week or two. Though this may all sound like I'm making a huge compromise for the sake of romance, I've learned of alternative remedies to my situation that might prove beneficial to all parties. Instead of using my dude to create a clone to which I can pass all of my addictive and destructive traits to, I will instead buy a baby with the money I make from embezzlement.

Buying a baby makes far more sense than making one. Firstly, you don't have to change the shitty nappies of your own tiny, screaming pastiche. Secondly, when you eventually find yourself cooking it at 250 F degrees, you won't feel guilty knowing that it's been in two different ovens in the same house.

So, without further ado, here's some babies that would make great food for you and your lover right before you get back to fucking constantly like normal people.

1. Hairy Babies.

Hairy babies go wonderfully with French toast and a Mimosa. Light but energetic, sweet but bold. The kind of thing you'd serve at a swinger's brunch. They came out with a mane, don't let them go back in vain.

2. Giant Fake Babies.

Giant fake babies are hard to come by, but you know that if you do, you have to snap them up before they're gone. Fantastic for special occasions when the table is full. Best served with a real baby.

3. Babies Dressed As Animal Babies.

Cute as a button, but not so much that you won't stick a fork in them. Served best with red cabbage, tiger prawns, and a tall glass of Raging Bitch.

4. Babies That Won't Stay Still.

Lively little things with a considerable amount of muscle tissue to consider when choosing a cooking format. This is one for the frying pan alright. It doesn't matter whether you like it bloody or well-done, this is one that needs all the garlic and parsley in the world. Chili if you're having adventurous guests. 

5.  Old Babies.

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