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Thursday 2 April 2015

Why They'll Never Find Bigfoot.




In 1951, a British mountaineer by the name of Eric Shipton took a photograph of what he, and many others, believed to be a footprint belonging to the Yeti, or The Abominable Snowman. In the years following Shipton's discovery prompted a newly found global interest in the folkloric tales of forest-dwelling hominid monstrosities, and with this popular consciousness, the wheels of fate began to creak slowly into motion. 

With the discovery of another footprint in 1958, this time in Del Norte County, California, came an excavation into the depths of American superstition that would see the popularization of the forest "wild man" from colonial tales, though he would reemerge into the American heart and mind as "Bigfoot". Never one to pass up an opportunity to monetize, the USA turned Bigfoot into a penny-rolling sensation, one that would send mountain gear, hunting rifle, and camera sales into the fucking exosphere. Whether they were rooting for Bigfoot with their t-shirts and coffee cups, or actively seeking to destroy the beast, people were spending lots and lots of money, and people were making lots and lots of money.

The efforts to find Bigfoot were great and were exemplified by the upsurge in those devoting their lives to the study of cryptids. Cherry-cheeked goatees with arses numb from bar stools would stand before cameras and claim they'd found the ape, but rarely could any offer the kind of evidence as startling as The Patterson Film from 1967 (pictured above). 

However, Robert Patterson and Robert Gimlin captured more than an image of the beast that day, they captured the attention of the beast itself. 

It has been decades since the first Bigfoot print was discovered by sun-beaten labourers in California that day, so why has it taken so long for any hard evidence of Bigfoot's existence to reach the surface? Why is it that the American military can riddle foreign dictators and terrorist leaders with bullets, but they cannot locate a giant ape-man inhabiting their own forests? Why do so many of those who have dedicated their lives to pursuing Bigfoot manage to remain strides behind the beast? Perhaps because the distance between them is not an unfortunate one, but a useful one.

The pursuit of Bigfoot is a hoax spun in order to create profit for con-men, the American outdoors and tourist industry in general...

...and Bigfoot itself.

What you have to recognize here is that Bigfoot holds the cards in this situation, it rolls the nickels. For as long as Bigfoot remains in our minds but just out of reach, the money will keep circulating, tourism will keep steady, niche business will flourish, and Bigfoot itself will be kept with an abundance of its most cherished things, vodka and printed pornography. As long as this arrangement is honoured, the poachers keeping their distance and the beast remaining just out of sight of the rest, the American dream can be pursued freely by all involved in the hideous treachery. 

So next time you see some cute Bigfoot plush-doll or t-shirt and ask yourself the great consumerist question, I'd like you to first ask where the money is going. Ask yourself what role your money will play in the funding of rifle-touting American politics and the ever advancing and stomach churning porn addiction of an anthropomorphous ape demon.

Only you can break the chain.









Meals to go with Your Favourite Music!




If there's anything more boring than eating food without listening to music, it's listening to music without eating food, am I right? Sometimes it even sucks when you have both, but that depends on how bad either your music taste is or how dull your tastebuds are, but did you know you can have BOTH and have a SUPER AWESOME time!?

DUDE, RIGHTEOUS.

RIGHTEOUS, DUDE.

If your friends are waiting for you to go skating at the mall, but your lame ass mom wants you to eat something before you leave, here's a few ideas how you can eat well and spite her at the very same time. How righteous is that?

THAT'S SO RIGHTEOUS.

Here's a totally righteous list of the meals you can eat while enjoying the music that your parents will never understand because they're divorced and you're the reason why.


QUEENADREENA!


Who are they?: Hugely influential Alt-rock band spawned from the ashes of 90s Noise masters Daisy Chainsaw. 

What you should be eating: A lovely spiced and sweet Irish Whiskey Cake to compliment a band with both a soft side and a vicious streak. Take in this confectionery delight with a glass of whiskey to compliment the whiskey that's already very present and very pronounced. You should always be drunk with cake when listening to this band.

WOLVES IN THE THRONE ROOM


Who are they?: "Cascadian Black Metal" from Oylmpia, Washington. A perfect blend of celestial atmosphere and jagged Black Metal assault.

What you should be eating: The band are known for their eco-friendliness and love of nature and primitive chic living, so your meal should be both paleo AND รก la mode. Why not try a Paleo Breakfast Burrito complete with egg, flaxseed, and your favourite type of fair trade salsa!


THE SMITHS


Who are they?: The band that unwittingly gave Morrissey a platform to dribble his venom on everyone and everything.

What you should be eating: Morrissey, an outspoken vegetarian and true animal lover, wouldn't be best pleased to see you chomping down on a ham burger, in fact, he'd probably hate you anyway, for anything. Your best bet with The Smiths is to try and eat a bowl of lemons, the perfect mixture of self-torture and protest.

WIZ KHALIFA


Who is he?: Blunt-hitting Hip-hop trendsetter from the U-S of A.

What you should be eating: Wiz's dope smoking is as publicized as the sports pages and had often stated that his monthly drug budget is $10,000. To truly enjoy the musical stylings of Mr. Khalifa, spread about a pound of weed over a 16 inch pizza and enjoy. It'll probably taste fucking horrible, but you'll feel fantastic/horrible.

 RANCID


Who are they?: Once fashionable mall-Punk for kids with Sex Pistols buttons on their drainpipes.

What you should be eating: A steaming pile of shit.








Wednesday 1 April 2015

Why The Water Charges Are Necessary.


APRIL FOOL FOOLOL OOL LOO FOOL O

FOOL SODFII(W£ FOOL


FUCK YOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU FUCK

YOU FUCKING EEJIT.

WHY WOULD YOU CLICK?

APRIL FOOLAPRIL FOOLAPRIL FOOLAPRIL FOOLAPRIL FOOLAPRIL FOOLAPRIL FOOLAPRIL FOOLAPRIL FOOLAPRIL FOOLAPRIL FOOLAPRIL FOOLAPRIL FOOLAPRIL FOOLAPRIL FOOLAPRIL FOOL

FUCK YOU  



YOU APRIL FOOL ARSE PONY

100101010101001000101001010101010010101010101010010101010110110101010110010110101010101010010010101010100101010101

MOMMY<DO I LOOK PRETYY?

I need help. help me. help me. help me.



HEY WHY THE LONG FACE? FUCK YOU HORSE.


APRIL FOOL APRIL FOOLAPRIL FOOLAPRIL FOOLAPRIL FOOLAPRIL FOOLAPRIL FOOLAPRIL FOOL

WHAT IF THE PLANET IS A GAS FACTORY?

WHAT IF THE PLANET IS A GAS FACTORY?









DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I don't like it here anymore.

SO I SAYS TO HIM, THAT'S NO ANTHROPOID FISH BEAST...THAT'S MY WIFE!

Please god, not here.

APRUL FUHL. APRUHOL FUL.

 

The doer alone learneth.